Lightening Rod of Hate

This week I went to my first group counseling. I have so many emotions going on. I feel like it was good that I went. I feel like I can finally breath. I'm not gonna say that I feel like weight was lifted and that everything is going to be easy now because that would be a lie. The weight was not lifted and I don't think it ever will be. However I will get stronger and in turn the weight won't be as heavy. 

So I figured there was no time like the present to get this out there. For those that have gone through a death you know exactly what I am meaning, for those that haven't I will try to word everything the best that I can. 

Through all of this I have been angry, hurt, scared and way more emotions. When you are feeling those things you end up having angry outbursts. Who do you normally have those one, more than likely your spouse or someone equally as close. In my life it was my husband. For months on end I used him as my "lightening rod of hate", I pushed him away. The best way I could explain why is because I didn't (still don't somethimes) feel like I don't deserve to be happy. How could I be happy?!, My mama is gone. 

I am not perfect nor have I ever tried to be. There is no such thing as "perfect" but that's a whole other topic. 

I have finally realized that this is not what mama would have wanted. She would want me to be happy. She loved(s) A, and why wouldn't she, he's utterly amazing. Throughout all this he hasn't taken the easy way and just walked out. 

So here and now I want to say I am sorry that I have been a "bitch" to you throughout all this. I cannot promise that there won't be times where I have a set back and I push you away. I can however promise that with time they will be few and far between and eventually over time will stop. I love you to the moon and back