Why???

So where do I start?.... I guess the best is to start the day it happened. 

Tuesday March 4, 2013

Started out at as normal day. I had been to work about 30min or so. My daddy called me, mind you he never calls me we usually text. Anyways since I was at work I didn't answer. So I texted my mom asking why daddy was calling me, no answer. So I texted daddy asking him what he needed and he told me to call him back. So I did, and that's when my world started to crumble beneath me. He told me my mom had stopped breathing and I needed to get to the hospital. Mind you he left a voice mail ( I have yet to hear it, I still haven't listened to it). So my first reaction is to call my husband and tell him to get to the hospital I'll meet him there. I had to scramble to get a hold of the guy I nanny for to get a sitter fast. I have never packed a diaper bag so fast in my life.

I finally left and called my brother he told me in more detail of what happened. At this time all we knew what my mother went to use the bathroom, fell, hit her head on the counter and the way she landed cut off her airway. My brother told me it didn't look good. In that moment I knew I would never again tell my mom I love her, never again be able to call her with random stupid questions, never again be able to laugh with her, ect. I kept trying to call daddy to get updates, he wasn't answering. Finally he called me as I was parking and he told me "she didn't make it" I barely made it into the parking spot. I took off running. Just hugged my daddy crying I couldn't do anything else. He took me inside and the moment my brother saw me we both lost it, I just kept screaming and crying for my "mama". My mama is the one who knows how to calm me down!! Finally I was able to at least stop crying for a moment. They asked me if I wanted to see her, all I asked my brother was did it look like her and he didn't know how to answer, I knew in that moment I wasn't ready. So they took me to the room the hospital set up for us (since my daddy, brother, and sister-in-law are first responders the hospital knows them) I was fine in there for a while but the more people come in and say they are sorry and will be praying and if there's anything they can do, it just becomes over whelming. At one point I left and called a friend, I broke down in the hallway, there was hospital staff touching me and trying to move me I totally yelled at one to get the fuck off of me, so one of the firefighters (Adam) blocked me so they couldn't get to me. At one point I remember one of them asking me if they could do anything and I snapped "yeah bring my mama back". Apparently they didn't want me in the hallway upsetting other patients, well excuse me!!!

I told my brother I was ready to see her, him and daddy took me. Yeah, I totally wasn't ready to see what I saw (I'm still not ready). 

So now it's time to start contacting the rest of the family, yeah how do you do that? How am I supposed to tell them so they can even understand when I can barely understand?

We had to wait on some forensic person to come, we got asked a lot of questions. Then he determined they were going to do an autopsy, that's when I lost it again. SHE DOESNT DESERVE THAT!!! So they let us say "good bye". I'm not gonna get into the details of what she looked like.

My brother and sister-in-law handed me my mama's favorite blanket, my daddy put it on her when they put her in the ambulance. The smell was horrible, so of course I ended up washing it.

Anyways we went to the house where my grandparents were waiting for us. Non of us can bring ourselfs to go to that bathroom. Well what do you do when someone dies?, you wanna say grieve right? Wrong!! You have stuff that has to be done. So I called a funeral home to set things in motion. By this time I have come to the conclusion that I HAVE to be the strong one for my daddy and brother. 

Wednsday March 5, 2013

Having to plan your mothers funeral is something I would never wish on anyone!!! We had to pick everything!!!! And I do mean everything!!! The hardest part of everything is getting my mama's dd214 (we are still waiting on that)

I'm going to skip ahead to present day cuz the other days are spent with family and just planning.

Today is Monday March 10, 2013

We found out the cause today, aneurisms! Which eases our minds a bit because we know she didn't suffer and it was instant, there was nothing anyone could have done.

So on to how I'm feeling. Some might say I'm heartless, some might say in not phased, and so forth. All of those are further from the truth. I HAVE TO BE STONG. I have simple shut myself down and blocked my feelings out. People deal with death in their own ways, and I guess this is my way. I totally know that I'm going to have to be seen by someone when the "dust" settles. That doesn't make me weak, in fact that actually makes me strong to actually admit that I need help. 

That's all for now, mentally I can't write anymore right now.