Milky Mama Brand Ambassador

Earlier in the week we were selected to be a brand ambassador for an amazing lactation treat company, Milky Mama. We are so excited to be apart of this company. 

This next part is about the company and it's straight from their website:

Milky Mama was created by Krystal Nicole Duhaney, a Registered Nurse and breastfeeding mommy of two. After having her second child and returning to work, Krystal struggled with her milk supply and realized that there were very few resources for breastfeeding mothers in the same predicament. She knew then that she had to come up with a solution that would help to increase her milk supply!

Using her knowledge as a Registered Nurse and love for baking, Duhaney developed a milk-making cookie recipe and fell in love with the results. This lactation cookies dramatically increased her supply. Soon after, she decided that she could not keep her discovery a secret and had to share this with other mothers who were going through a similar situation. So, in November of 2015, Milky Mama was born.

Today, Milky Mama's product line includes All-Natural cookies, brownies (which are Krystal’s favorite), emergency brownies,  lactation oatmeal, tropical iced tea, lactation lemonade, and lactation smoothie mix. 

Along with offering tasty treats and beverages, Milky Mama has also generated a following of women who help support each other and other women on their journey. “It was also important for me to create a village of support, because I needed it and I craved it. Having the extra support is so vital. It is heartwarming and a huge passion of mine to give breastfeeding support. I receive so many responses from customers sharing their experience and because they eat my treats they are going strong with lactation. It’s so amazing what a little extra support can do.” Milky Mama facilitates weekly Facebook chats and a lactation support group.

I love that this company not only has amazing treats but also has lactation support. They don't see their customers as a number, they see them as a warrior providing for their babies..... you don't see many companies doing this. 

So we have decided a few times a week over the next 30 days we will introduce a product as well as a breastfeeding/pumping tip for all you milky mamas out there. 

Emergency Brownies

These brownies are so yummy!!! They are to give you that extra boost when you are stressed or your supply has tanked for whatever reason. 

Power Pumping 

For those pumping mamas that are struggling, I suggest power pumping. My left is my slacker and with the help of doing this it is starting to catch up to the right. We still have a ways to go. 

I pump and nurse. Please don't get down on yourself when you feel like you aren't doing as well as other mamas. Any breast milk is awesome no matter how much. You are a warrior and you are doing awesome mama!!!

If you would like to try Milka Mama click here and you will get 10% off your order. 

 

 

5 Must Haves for Twin Parents

*These are my 5 must haves right now with our twins.*

              

1. Fisher Price Rock n Plays. Our twins are rollers so this is a safe option for us right now. Plus they can be in the room with us and once we transfer them to their nursery they hopefully will already be used to sleeping separately since they each have their own cribs. 

2. Hands free pumping/nursing tank. I love this tank top. When I'm not nursing, I'm pumping and having this tank frees up my hands to actually do things like eat (since we all know being a new mom eating is last on our list). 

3. Wubbanub. Due to being in the NICU our babies are paci babies. The NICU gives them pacis when they are taking tests or anything to help keep the crying to a minimum. And of course our babies don't like just any pacies right now, they like the jelly type. 

4. Baby Swing. These things are a staple in our house. Both babies love the swings and it helps us be able to be semi productive. 

5. Contours Options Tandem Stroller. Let's face it having twins means you now have to have the tuna boat of strollers. My biggest advice is to go to the store and play with the strollers and find the one that works for you. I loved this one because it is light weight compared to some of the other twin strollers. It's also easier to maneuver. 

 

 

Simplisafe

VETERANS DAY WITH SIMPLISAFE

Every November 11th, we honor our military veterans and families that served in the Armed Forces and commend the immense number of sacrifices of each and every one of our service members, Armistice Day was created in 1918, on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month that marked the end the fighting of World War I. 

Armistice Day was officially made into a legal national holiday on May 13th, 1938. In 1954, following the end of WWII, the 83rd Congress voted to officially rename the holiday to include all factions of the armed services. November 11th, 1954 was observed as the first official Veterans Day, in honor of American veterans of all wars. In President Dwight D. Eisenhower’s Veterans Day Proclamation on October 8th 1954 he addressed the nation saying:

“In order to insure proper and widespread observance of this anniversary, all veterans, all veterans' organizations, and the entire citizenry will wish to join hands in the common purpose.” 

So this Veterans Day we stand united, under one flag, and celebrate the liberty and justice that the men and women of our armed services have dedicated their lives to defending. The month of November is our chance as citizens to honor the sacrifice and commitment of our service members and service families alike. 

In celebration of Veterans Day this year, SimpliSafe is connecting with these men and women that are our serving or have served our country to give away 50 wireless security systems to help protect their homes! To enter for your chance to win, nominate your service hero here by midnight on November 21st, 2016! 

The Reality of My Conditions

I have had multiple people ask me what exactly Idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura is. 

Idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura (ITP) is a disorder that can lead to easy or excessive bruising and bleeding. The bleeding results from unusually low levels of platelets — the cells that help blood clot. 

Normal platelet levels are 150,000; mine were 40,000 prior to going into the operating room. So the reason they put me to sleep vs doing a spinal was fear of bleed out since my blood wouldn't clot on its own. Due to my levels being so low I was put in a magnesium drip to prevent seizures, I had to be on this for 24hrs. They also did a platelet fusion in surgery to help my number go up so that my blood could clot. I was also put on Pitocin to make my cervix contract to help with clotting. For the first 24hrs after surgery I was monitored with blood work every few hours. They needed to see if my platelets would go up on their own, unfortunately I needed to have another fusion as my numbers were now lower than they were prior to surgery, 33,000. I was not allow to go to the NICU more so due to my magnesium drip. If you have ever been on one then you'll understand, but for those that haven't, basically it makes you so out of it. You are constantly dozing off and very weak. Thank god I had the nurse that I did because she knew just how bad I wanted to see the babies so she promised after the second fusion that she would take me up there for a few minutes. 

Due to the ITP I also had Hellp Syndrome, which is the highest from of preeclampsia. 

H (hemolysis, which is the breaking down of red blood cells)
EL (elevated liver enzymes)
LP (low platelet count)

I litterally had barely any indication that I had either of these things. My urine came back with nothing, my blood pressure was slightly elevated but nothing to be too concerned of on its own, the reason that the blood test was ran initially was due to my rib pain that I was having. With both of these I was so bad that everyone was perplexed as to how I was functioning and didn't have more signs. If we hadn't of gone into the hospital that night everything could have turned fatal. I ended up loosing a lot of blood while I'm surgery, however not enough to need a blood transfusion. 

Everything that day was so beyond scary and the fact that my husband couldn't come into the operating room made things more scary for me. Would I die alone? Would my babies be ok? This can't be how our journey ends! These thoughts and more kept running through my head. 

I am so beyond grateful for my team of doctors they held my hands to help calm me down once I got into the operating room all the way until I was put under. They even made sure that I wasn't alone and saw familiar faces when I woke up since my husband was in the NICU with the babies. 

The best advice I have for anyone that is pregnant is you know your body, you know when something is off, don't be worried about going to labor and delivery. That is what they are there for, to make sure everything is ok with you and your babies. One small thing can turn into a huge thing in a matter of minutes. 

The Day Our World Changed

So I'm gonna back track a few days first.

I had a doctors appt on Oct 14th and everything was fine. Blood pressure was normal, urine was normal, babies heart rates were good, so nothing to worry about. Well a few days later I started to get the dreaded morning sickness again and sleeping a lot. Friday the 21st rolled around and I was still feeling that way. We figured it was getting close to being time, my doctors did tell me that I would more than likely "feel" sick when we were approaching delivery time. Our csection was scheduled for Nov. 11. Although I knew in my heart I wasn't going to make it until then. All throughout my pregnancy I would joke that I had a feeling that I would be going into the hospital on my birthday (Oct. 24). Little did I know. Anyways by the time my husband left for work on Friday that Friday I was having a few contractions but nothing really to be concerned about since I had been having them off and on for a few weeks at that point. They weren't close together or no real pattern so there was no real reason for concern. As midnight rolled around I started to get this pressure that made me continuesly throw up and the pressure would not go away. Then the rib pain came, good lord it hurt to bad. So I took a shower in hopes of it relaxing me...... boy was I wrong. At that point my husband said call the doctor. So I did and she said to go in if nothing else then to get checked. 

By this time it was 2:30am ish.... so I made sure my hospital bag was ready to go just in case. By the time my husband got home from work and we got to the hospital about an hour had passed and the pressure still hadn't let up and the rib pain was still there. After going to the triage area I did the urine and blood pressure my urine was fine but my blood pressure was a few numbers higher than it has been my whole pregnancy so nothing really to be of concern on its own. They decided to give my an iv on the off chance I was dehydrated just as a precaution. I kept complaining of the rib pain that the nurse decided she would do a blood draw just in case. A different nurse came in to check my cervix and good lord I never moved so fast in my life!! She was not easy and nice by any means, I swear she was going in to make the game winning point. By this time I was crying and didn't want her near me anymore that when my original nurse came back to check on me I told her that the other one had hurt me and she felt a little bad by having her do it. The babies were being monitored the whole time as well as my contractions. They were perfectly fine, didn't show any signs of distress. I was actually having more contractions than I thought I was having but not enough to actually be in active labor since my cervix was still closed. By this time a ob resident came in and said that I wasn't in active labor that I was probably just dehydrated but he would talk to my ob to see what they said. Right about now it was shift change so my nurse introduced us to her replacement and said that she had to do another check on my cervix I was so clenched at that point I didn't want anyone near me. Thank god this nurse had angel fingers cuz there was no pain. We were still waiting on the lab work at this point but it looked like I was getting released. So we were waiting on the discharge papers, literally in a matter of minutes our world changed!!

Oct 22, 2016 was by far the scariest day of my life!!!! I was diagnosed with Idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura which in turn made me have the highest form of preclampcia (hellp syndrome). The next thing we know everyone was rushing in to prep me for emergency surgery. Due to this I was put to sleep and my husband was not allowed in the operating room. 

Both babies had to go in the NICU. Due to my condition I was not aloud to go up there until like 11pm. Baby boy was having an issue with his platelets as well, he pretty much got it due to stress from the delivery. Both babies ended up getting out on a tube to help them eat until they could learn to suckle. Baby girl got off the tube within a few days. Baby boy is still on it but it doing so much better. They both had high bili numbers, baby girl's went down without having to have the phototherapy however baby boy needed it. Baby girl was released yesterday from the NICU however baby boy is still in there. He is off of the heater, off of the phototherapy, his platelets are finally coming up so it's just a matter of time before they are within normal range, he is getting better with eating. So hopefully he will be home soon. 

I would like to officially announce that Colton and Lillian have made their entrance into this world!!!!

October 22, 2016

Colton(baby a) at 10:14am

18" long

5.15lbs

Lillian(baby b) at 10:15am

18" long 

5.10lbs

             

Fertility Coverage Misconception: Tricare

So ever since starting treatment and sharing our story I have been asked so many times as to why we had to pay out of pocket since we have tricare. Well that's the misconception tricare doesn't cover everything, in fact there is a lot more that they don't cover than what they do cover. Even though I did a post awhile ago that touched on this topic, I decided it's time to try to help break down this misconception.

So let's start with what the tricare website states on this topic:

        

I am going to break this down for you to make it a bit easier to understand. 

•Tricare covers all diagnostic testing that is required to come to a diagnosis, this includes both parties. 

•Tricare covers all oral medications required for timed intercourse(ti) and some injectable(not all). 

You can do TI as many times as you want there is no "cap", however at some point your doctor will advise you that it is time to move on. At which time 90% of the treatment tricare has now high tailed it out of covering your treatment

You might remember that I did a post on what our next course of action was after TI didn't work and I explained what it was, if you don't you can click here. 

So you are now knee deep into a new treatment plan which includes Intrauterine Insemenation (IUI)

•Tricare covers oral meds

•Tricare does not cover the sperm wash

•Tricare does not cover injectables

•Tricare does not cover the actual "procedure"

•Depending on how your doctor runs their office tricare can cover the appointments and diagnostic testing and monitoring for those cycles (they did for ours). Some doctors offices once you get to IUI, they stop billing insurances and do a "package deal" type of thing, so if this is how your doctors office works you have to pay for everything. 

So let's say this treatment plan didn't work for you either.... the next step is IVF.  Which can cost 20 thousand plus. Sorry to say it but tricare is gone you are on your own. Now you are probably thinking Jane Doe had it covered and only paid half. Here's the huge misconception on this one. Tricare DID NOT cover it, I know shocker. There are 5 Military Treatment Facilities(MTF) within the tricare network: 

Walter Reed Army, Washington, DC
Wilford Hall Air Force, San Antonio, TX
Balboa/Point Loma Naval, San Diego, CA
Tripler Army, Hawaii
Madigan Army, Ft. Lewis, WA

These facilities have a government grant that covers treatment, it is not covered through tricare in any way shape or form. With this grant the medication is covered and you only pay half if not less (depending on location) for everything else. Getting into these facilities can be difficult depending on location. Each location has a set number of patients they take per fiscal year and they split that up into cycles. So there can be a rather long wait list. There have been people to be lucky and get right in and others that are waiting years. 

I hope this clears up a lot of misconceptions for people. 

Edited on 10/21/2016

I have had a few questions from viewers so I thought I would add the answers in to this post. 

•Tricare does not cover seragency. That is all out of pocket for you. If this is a route you are taking please make sure you educate yourselves on the laws for the state in which this is taking place. 

• Tricare does not cover egg/sperm adoption. 

You might have seen in the news that Tricare covers cryobank storage fees if your spouse is deploying. To clarify this is a pilot program it has NOT come into play yet. People had to apply to be apart of this program. The pilot will last roughly 2yrs and then from there they will come up with the final perameters and then it will either take effect or they will stop doing it. 

You might have also seen that the VA will cover one round of ivf if the military member has a combat related injury. This is true however please know there is a difference between combat injury and service related injury(which they won't cover ivf for this). There is also a long road on getting a combat related injury for fertility treatment documented. It is not something that happens over night. In some cases it has taken years. 

Hot button topic: Mom Bashing

                      

So there is this huge war raging on between mom groups (not all of them though). Mom bashing is a huge problem amongst moms and it needs to STOP!!! I am going to touch on what I've experienced so far. Again, this is my experience!!

So I have had a few run-ins with "crunchy" moms. If you don't know what a crunchy mom is, they are moms that believe in a more natural lifestyle. Not all crunchy moms are against those that choose other lifestyles, however, there are a select few that will do whatever possible to get their point across and that includes bashing others that don't agree with them. 

•I have been told that even though Baby A is breech I shouldn't listen to my doctor or what is safe for the babies and myself. That I should still deliver vaginally and that he will be fine. They know Joe Blow has a cousin that his sister's brother's girlfriend delivered a breech baby vaginally and the baby was fine. Ummm what?!?!? Yeah no, you aren't in the medical field so I will not take your advice. 

•Apparently if I have a c-section I am not really delivering my babies so I can't say that I have given birth. 

•Since we are choosing to vaccinate the twins, I have been told that they deserve to get the "conditions" that vaccinations cause. 

•I have been called names for choosing to give birth in the hospital instead of a birthing center. 

I know crunchy moms that support others even though they choose a different path. So like I said, it is not all that are mean or judgmental. 

I don't understand why we have to beat each other down just because we choose different paths. All that should matter is that these little humans are healthy and happy. It should not matter that I choose a different path than you. 

Being a mean mom is a form of bullying whether you want to admit it or not!!! If you've been following my blog for awhile or know me in general you know that I will not stand for bullies. So for those that are going through this and are feeling like bad moms, you are not a bad mom; you are an amazing mom!!! Don't let others tear you down just because you don't agree with them. They are not you, they are not your children's parents. They are not experts on your life. 

28wks

Holy Cow it's been 8wks since the last time I posted. I have been so busy these last 8wks. So before we get into the Bumpdate let me catch you up a bit.

So for the last 8wks I have been preparing for the babies. The nursery is practically done, but since the baby shower was last week I have to reorganize the nursery. The official theme is StarWars and Mermaids. I promise I will take pictures once it's all complete. Not only preparing for the babies I was still working, which I officially have resigned. On top of that I was still running my etsy shop, which is now on vacation until we get the twins on a decent enough schedule. I will be working on new designs for the relaunch until then. Man now that I type it all out that is a lot!! 

Now on to the Bumpdate

Baby A is roughly 3lbs and 3ozs, Baby B is roughly 3lbs and 2ozs. Both babies are now breach (which I'm not too happy about) however we still have roughly 4ish weeks for baby A to flip again. If Baby A flips then vaginal is back on the table however if not then it's a csection for me. Babies are now snuggling each other instead of fighting. 

As for me I am beyond uncomfortable. Sleep is a thing of the past, it's catnaps at this point. The only way to relieve discomfort at this point for me is the shower. I'm always hungry but yet don't have an appetite, which makes it so I have to force myself to eat. I passed my glucose test!!!!!

20wks

Currently I am 20wks4days

Babies stats: 

• both babies are roughly 15oz (chunky little monkeys)
• they are about the size of a Belgian Endive (roughly 10inch long)
• Their skin is still in the process of being covered with vernix
• Baby A is head down (and using my bladder as a pillow)
• Baby B has officially taken up residence in my ribs (and loves to kick them)

Mama stats:

• I am measuring between 27 and 28wks for a single baby
• Hips are starting to hurt
• Shortness of breath has kicked in
• Still uncomfortable when I try to sleep so I now have a pillow fortress to help
• Appetite is starting to increase finally
• I have been craving Taco Bell lately

I found out the sexes at my 17 week ultrasound but I refused to tell A, because I had a surprise up my sleeves for him. We did the gender reveal already on Facebook and all so I figured it was time to tell the rest of the world. So sit back and enjoy this little video (there is some adult language).......

                                  

I want to thank his awesome deployment team for helping me make this reveal possible. 

We have their names but for the Blog they will be called C and L. I am currently working on getting their nursery together, once that is finished I will do a post on the theme. We are beyond excited to have one of each and cannot wait for them to make their grand entrance into our lives. They are already spoiled and loved greatly. 

17wks

17wks!!!! Time is sure flying by!!!! I know I have been slacking on doing blog posts but to be honest I have a lot to do to prepare for the twins.

                  

Babies development:

• each baby weighs about 4.9oz 

• each baby is roughly 5inches long now

• their brains are beginning to coordinate with their other developing systems, like the way it’s starting to regulate their heartbeat, instead of letting it beat willy-nilly like it has been. 

Mom's symptoms:

•Round ligament pain

•being comfortable while sleeping is a thing of the past

• I am measuring 25wks for a single pregnancy, so that should tell you just how "big" I am

I am going to rant a bit, some people really need to think before they speak. I am getting really tired of people critiquing our registry saying we don't need this many of certain items (I even had someone tell me we don't need 2 car seats). Mind you these people that are saying these things are not twin parents. Also people fail to realize most twin pregnancies don't make it to full term. Technically I am at my halfway point now.  There are people telling me we have plenty of time before the babies are here to get everything. Here's the thing y'all are failing to understand even though I have said it multiple times, I AM GOING ON BED REST!! There are no ifs ands or buts, it is happening. The question is if I will be on home bed rest or hospital bed rest. I have 2 months, yes 2 months, before this happens!! Everything needs to be in place by then!!! Our situation is extremely different than other pregnancies. We are literally fighting the clock on every aspect!!! So instead of telling me we have until nov 22 (my technical due day) how about you offer help to make sure everything is done prior to bedrest. 

*A majority of people understand these things, but I am only speaking of those that aren't seeming to understand these things* 

This pregnancy feels like it's flying by, that might have something to do with the fact that we are also in the middle of a deployment as well. It's crazy to think that I am literally halfway through my pregnancy already. It feels like I just found out that we were successful. I am trying to cherish every moment I can.  I will try to do updates more often from here on out but I want to make sure my husband knows everything before I post these things. 

                                                   

12wks

I am going to try to do a weekly update...... Try being the keyword lol.

So I am going to backtrack a little. The first few weeks were rough, my symptoms went from 0 to 60 in less than a day (my doctor said that was because of it being twins). Well I had ended up in the hospital for dehydration cuz it had gotten so bad, that was the turning point, it started to get better after that. 

Which leads me to now.......

I am 12wks4days (at time of post). I don't really have any cravings as of now although the babies do like their fruits and veggies the most. I started to get sick again after everytime I eat so I'm gonna try even smaller meals to help with that. I told A the other day that there's and Old wives tale that girls make you throw up more. Since our twins our fraternal the likelihood of the sex combo goes in this order boy/girl, girl/girl, then boy/boy being the least likely. Our twins are didi twins which mean 2 sacs and 2 placentas which is the most common. 

Babies Development:

•They are developing lanugo, which is hair that will cover them and keep them warm until they start gaining more weight.

•They weigh about .49oz

•They are each about the size of a ripe apricot. 

I haven't taken a "bump date" picture for this week. I haven't felt too good with getting sick again, plus my belly still looks like it did last week. 

                                    

We want to thank everyone for all of their love and support. 

               

         

                                                 

And then there were.......

I'm gonna torture y'all for a bit. 

So as most of y'all know we have been struggling to conceive and was diagnosed as "unexplained infertility". Well we decided since we had a deployment looming we would use the cryobank to preserve some of my husband's "man juices" as he calls it. We also decided to go more aggressive with the meds on our last fresh cycle before he deployed. 

Well we made the IUI by a few days before he left, literally by the skin of our teeth. I was loosing faith there for a bit. Literally within days of him leaving I started to feel weird. At first I chalked it up to just the trigger shot since it literally has hcg in it to force ovulation, so I assumed it was still in my system. Then March 10th came and the feeling didn't go away. I woke up and blew my nose (which is a regular morning routine for me) well this particular morning I had the sudden urge to throw up while I was blowing my nose and let's just say it wasn't a pretty sight. I kept telling A throughout the day that I couldn't shake this weird feeling. He said just wait we were still in the TWW (two week wait) and that it was probably just the trigger. However as the day went on I couldn't shake the feeling. So it was literally like 8pm and I decided to just take a test. It was positive (the first time I had ever seen a positive) I was thinking in my head it had to be an evap so I decided to do a pee hold and test again. It was positive again!! I texted the pics to A and he just said they were light to wait a bit and keep testing. The next morning I tested again and it was still positive and the line was getting a hair darker, so I called my fertility doctor and they wanted me to go right in to take a beta test. I did and of course it was Friday and with my luck the lab took forever and I had to wait until Monday for the official results. But throughout the weekend I continued to take tests and the line was getting darker. A normal person would have believed it by like the second test however for couples dealing with infertility it's really hard for us to actually believe it. Monday came and I got the phone call.... "Alyssa it's Tina (my fertility nurse) are you sitting down (my heart sunk)" I told her I was "Congradulations Alyssa, it's positive!!!" OMG OMG OMG I started crying right there on the phone. They wanted me to come in and do a second beta test to make sure my numbers were doubling. I left work and went right in. Good news they had more than doubled since my test on the Friday before!!!!!

Since we were in fertility treatment we get to go in sooner and more frequently in the beginning to have ultrasounds. My first appt was set for March 30. So close but yet so far away!!!!! Our really good friends Jake and Julia have known from the beginning, they have been our biggest supporters in this journey here. Plus A has them "babysitting" me so we felt they needed to know for any just in cases. So Julia goes with me to my appointments since A can't be here. So March 30 came and we are in the exam room and my doctor starts the ultrasound and I looked at Julia cuz I was nervous, all the sudden her eyes popped out of her head and my heart sank in that moment.......

                                      

Remember I said we went more aggressive on our meds, well 2 eggs matured and dropped!!!!!! We knew that it would be a possibility since both dropped but never in a million years did we think it would actually happen!!!! Our twins our souly due to fertility treatment, neither of us have genetic markers for twins naturally. When your in fertility treatment having multiples with these meds is always possible. Since starting treatment I would always tease A that its possible and the fact that it has actually happens is so beyond amazing. We couldn't be more excited and happy to finally be sharing this news. 

We want to thank all those that have prayed for us and kept us in their thoughts. Without your support we would have never made it through to the other side. 

                                                      

2 years

It's been 2 years since my world was turned upside down. The million dollar question is 'how am I doing'. The truth..... Not so good. Now don't get me wrong the good days outweigh the bad days. But with everything that is going on right now I just want for my mama to be here.

The stress of the deployment is starting to become to much to bare. We literally haven't had anytime to spend together and this breaks my heart. The furbabies know something is going on. I'm not looking forward to this, I know I know ever spouse says this and has the same feelings, I'm not trying to say mine are worse than theirs. I'm being strong and haven't cried yet but I know when he gets on the plane I'm gonna loose it...

Everyday for the last 2 years I reply parts of that day. They are starting to get less and less but I still have moments where memories pop into my head. I know it's not good to keep holding onto that day, but part of me still feels like if I let go then it will make it 100% true and honestly I am still not ready to admit that. Logically in my head I know it's true that this isn't one big nightmare but in my heart I'm not ready for it to be true. I probably never will be ready. 

Tonight is the 2nd annual Light up the Sky for Robin. I am looking forward to this. This year I decided to have those that attend to write their wishes on the lanterns. 

                                

                                             

Deployment Prep: Important Info

For this deployment surprisingly there hasn't been much prep for us as a unit. Well it hasn't seemed like it's been a lot. Yes he's been having to do a lot on his end.

There is a lot of paperwork that is needed so that as spouses we are able to deal with the everyday life here at home. 

Important paperwork:

•POA (power of attorney) - you will need a general and a special. The general allows you to be able to do the basic things that your spouse normally does. Not the special has everything to do with the military aspect. It will allow you to renew your ID without the active duty member being there all the way to dealing with base housing. 

•Will - yes this one is tough, you literally have to think about the what ifs with this one. You need to make sure everything is covered in the event that something happens. Trust me I know you want to be positive at all times but you literally have to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. 

•Medical directives - comes down to the same thing as the will. If your spouse is injured this will cover everything they want and don't want. 

•Living Will - this is pretty much q branch off of the medical directive. 

•Account numbers and passwords

•Important phone numbers - how to get in contact with the First Shirt or Commander. Any programs the base has for the family. 

•Days that bills are due - if you like us then this one isn't too much of a big deal, pretty much all of our bills are automatic. 

•A list of people that you can call no matter the time of day to just vent

Keep all of this information in a safe place. We put it all in a folder to keep it organized. 

Always when it comes to your spouse's and their teams' safety please read over OPSECT. Just because we aren't actually in the military it still applies to us. If you know there's certain people in your life that are likely to post on social media don't give them any specifics as to where and when.  We all want our men and women to come back safe and sound so do your part to help make that happen. 

                                        

Jealousy within the Infertility community

Jealousy within the infertility community is a very taboo subject. As much as we try not to get these feelings it is human nature to do so. Just because we are jealous doesn't mean we aren't happy for the person that was able to come out of this struggle with their bundle of joy.

I will admit that I have been jealous. I have said things like why her, why does she get all the support and I get non, why don't I deserve my happy ending? There are so many more things that a lot of us are guilty of saying. Most of us don't mean it to be in a mean or a bashing way, but when you get all these hormones and feelings mixed in on some level it can't be helped.

Jealousy is an emotion, and the word typically refers to the thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, concern, and anxiety over an anticipated loss or status of something of great personal value, particularly in reference to a human connection.

People interpret the word jealousy in many different ways, its all about perspective. It comes in different forms, and can be different levels as well.


How to Handle Jealousy:

• Pick your Social Situations- Lets face it you will not be able to go to every Baby Shower or Birthday party because they might be to emotional for you that day, so don't go it is perfectly fine to skip these event. You need to do what is right for you and your sanity
• Take care of yourself- We all need some relaxing and to treat ourselves since we deal with a lot, so don't feel bad if you spend that $30 on a pedicure, just do it. It will help I promise.
• Talk to someone- I'm not saying you need to see a therapist if you don't want to. But it is always good to have that one person you can talk to no matter the time or place. Whether it be a friend, someone from a group you are in that is dealing with the same things, or your spouse. Just have someone that you can vent to whenever you need to.
• Find new interests- Find something that can be your outlet and help clear your mind when you need to.
• Write about it- You could keep a journal or even have a blog. Writing is known to help clear you mind.
• Send a blessing or prayer- When your eyes gaze upon a pregnant belly, and you feel the green jealousy monster rising inside, pay attention to that feeling. Take two deep breaths. Then, close your eyes and send blessings, vibes, or prayers to that mother and baby. The prayer can be very simple, like "May you have a healthy, safe delivery; may you know nothing but love and warmth." Do this when you feel like giving a blessing, and do it when you don't.
  Then, after sending the blessing to the pregnant woman, send a blessing to yourself, fertility related or not. Like, "May I have peace, may I have love," or "May I soon know what it's like to carry a child." Don't be surprised if you feel the jealousy melt away into tears of sadness - the emotion hiding behind the green eyed monster.
• Take a Social Media break- this is mostly where our jealousy comes from. So take a day or so and not get on it at all. Give yourself the time you need to calm down and heal from this blow.

I was lucky enough to get some wonderful ladies from an Infertility Facebook group I am in to let me use their experiences with jealousy.  Being Jealousy at times does not make you a bad person or mean that you are not happy for the other party and these ladies are true examples of that. The names will be pseudonyms to protect these ladies' identities.

"We tried for almost two years for what is now our only child. Living in the military community makes it especially hard because, at least in my experience, the majority of wives don't work and a lot of husbands find ways not to deploy - I always found myself bitter with narrowed eyes at wives who popped out a new baby every 18 months as I thought "oh, it must be nice and easy when he's home every night by dinner" as we tried to space trying and cycles around a million TDYs and deployments. My husband is a flyer - there was no such thing as a schedule. An 11am sortie would find the jet broken and him not coming in until the wee hours of the morning. Then there were the young partying wives/girlfriends who were accidentally pregnant and did nothing but complain about how they couldn't drink or smoke anymore. Oh, you poor poor thing. Every month that went by found me sobbing in my bathroom; I remember one day in particular that I lost it - fell on my living room floor and sobbed into the carpet, banging my fists, literally sobbing and yelling at God and life. Rounds of medication failed. Every timed intercourse schedule failed. OPKs never read right. He would unexpectedly TDY. I was completely consumed by jealousy, bitterness, and hate. If a friend announced a pregnancy, I deleted them from social media and from my life. I felt like they had done it on purpose to spite me, like they were standing in front of me laughing and stabbing me in the heart, even when I could reason with myself that that wasn't the case at all. But it hurt worse than anything ever had. I felt left behind. I felt like a failure. And every test came back normal, every doctor told me they were sorry but they had no idea why I wasn't pregnant. Which made it worse. I struggled a lot with my faith, almost gave it up. I heard all the clichés, which hurt even worse when a friend holding a newborn would tell me "God is good, just pray more," or "don't worry, your time will come when it's right." Patronizing much?? Easy for you to say when you got what you wanted! Glad "God was good" to just you! Holding other peoples' babies didn't console me. We finally got pregnant and had our son, and it was the best day of my life. He's now 3 and a half, and we have tried ever since to have another. We moved again and a new GYN on my yearly asked if anyone had ever diagnosed me with PCOS - no one ever had. Suddenly I had a word for all those dark years. But it also makes you angry- angry that as a woman your body isn't doing what it was designed to do, like you're somehow a mistake or a mess up. And here we are again, in the midst of friends having third, fourth, one friend my age having her SEVENTH child, and we are stuck at one. We aren't invited out by people who have no children because we have him, and not by people who have multiple, because their kids won't each have a playmate. I don't want to make friends with people who have one, because it feels like they're a ticking time bomb, at any moment they'll announce another, and then our friendship will fizzle out, so I don't start it. It's admittedly not as bad this time, because I have my son. But it doesn't mean that on the days where four or five announcements pop up on my feed I don't feel it - that twinge of "must be nice" jealousy. It's not all consuming anymore, but I would be lying if I said it's not there. And anyone who truly burns for a child, whose heart ACHES for it, that says they have never felt jealousy, is a liar. There's no pat on the back, no award, for acting like you are more pious, more emotionally pure, better than anyone else. Cut the crap. You've felt a pang, an ache, even as you've smiled. There's a difference between being able to deal with it, still be happy for others, living your life, and experiencing the emotion of jealousy. Even just wishing it could be you, wishing you had a child, is jealousy. There are so many forms, some more extreme than others. But it is the worst when this catty mess happens between women all struggling with infertility. It's a form of shaming, and it needs to stop. No one wants to hear about how you're a saint who has never had a negative emotion in your life - it's just bragging so you can feel morally superior. Some people NEED to talk, to vent- some more than others; it can be therapeutic. I had a friend at one base who invited me for coffee once a week, and all we did was whine and complain to each other about the struggle...and then we got up and went home and lived our lives with smiles on - but we were able to do that because we had had our form of therapy. People have to be allowed to feel their emotions. They have to let them out. Everyone experiences this journey in an entirely different way, and no one walks it any better than anyone else. This should be a supportive community, but it's not. We shouldn't shame other women into thinking that they should keep their mouths shut and skip along with plastered on smiles every day. At some point, if it gets too bad, we can quietly encourage a friend to seek professional help; otherwise, once in a while let them talk. Most likely they don't mention each bad day to their husband anymore. Chances are they try to hold it together at home. They count their blessings (and never insinuate they don't!! I can't tell you how many times I've been told to "just be grateful" for the one I have, as if I'm not!!!!!!, simply because I want him to have one sibling). Let's embrace the suck that this journey can be. Let's uplift each other without a turned up nose and self-emulation. Let's realize we are all unique humans with unique journeys. But let's also realize we truly are in this together. This is Mommy Wars on another level. And it must end."

 

 

 

"The Smith's started trying the same time as my husband and I. Being close friends Sammy would share things with me about how her husband Adam had backed out of the first S/A appointment because of "embarrassing feelings". Sammy shared that Adam would be taking other guy's overnight duty on the ship when it was time coming up for RE appointments. It got so bad Adam would shame Sammy about her missing work for the appointments. She was working a seasonal job on base at the time.

I did feel bad for her since my husband, Aaron, is always supportive. We have the goal in mind, my husband is up for anything to try or test to do. Adam's behavior was the reason for my jealousy when they did get pregnant. Their last IUI in October 2014 that was a success. It had been rough to hear details from Sammy. They were going to PCS in March to San Antonio. Sammy came over crying, said Adam told her that if the IUI doesn't work then he is done with all this "stressful nonsense" till after the move. Sammy said she didn't even get a sit down talk about it. Adam told her after coming home from duty in the morning. I consoled her and she was okay leaving my house.
The IUI worked for her but she distanced herself all through November and I didn't see her till December 15th or so. She gave a group of friends Christmas cards at a friends dinner out giving the news. Not that I wanted a special moment but I felt it was shitty of her to not share the news to me in private after all the things that went on. Anyways, jealousy hit its breaking point at this moment. I came home and cried to my husband. Adam had given Sammy the sort of ultimatum and then they get pregnant.
Our friendship was very awkward after the news came out. She was distant and I like to think the part of it was because she was moving away. Since she's moved we talk on the phone rarely but text every few weeks. She doesn't talk about her daughter much or share about being a mom. That's hard too.
This experience has shown me that yes, jealousy is okay and to not make this journey about a race to see who can get pregnant first. I'm feeling that inside pressure now because Sammy texted me that they are trying for #2 after the new year. My husband Aaron tells me to slow down and think of our journey only. He is my reminder that its not a race."


"When I started my IUI journey I wanted other experiences so I found the FB group that's closed. I asked questions and got different answers, the usual. The board started changing with more same sex couples (female only, I want to make it clear that I'm not against the gay community) who joined the group. Posts got more inclusive. Shaming went on.
I left the group when I was told that I should feel lucky that I get fresh samples and don't have to pay out of pocket for frozen. I shouldn't complain because after the IUI, I can still try the few days after with intercourse. Saying "lesbian couples have it a lot harder than straight couples" and more crazy rants of "same sex couples can get pregnant faster than straight". I'm not against the same sex couples but hearing that and starting to be told how I should feel was enough for me.
That board was hurtful then supportive. Words of wisdom, thick skin when dealing with online support boards. Know when to move on and find like minded more in common groups. As far as dealing with jealousy in this situation. I'd say to stay off social media for a few. Jealousy will pass, it takes time. Think of healthy ways to deal with the jealousy, talk to others like your spouse or friends that are outside the situation."


 

 

I want to thank these ladies for sharing there experiences with jealousy. xoxo

 

 

 

 

Guest post #2

If you have been following this blog for awhile now you might remember we had a guest blogger a few months back. She is in one of the Infertility groups that I am in. She's back with news and left with a heartbreaking choice. 

*This post is going to bring you to tears. We would like for those that might have negative comments to keep them to themselves*

                When Termination Becomes the Best Option, But the Most Devastating

Well I am back but I’ve guest spot here before, you know that one chick cop. The one who had infertility. And I have had such a crazy ride. Sadly things just seem to always be done the hard way with me. My heart is shattering. Let me explain.

After many years we finally were able to conceive this year with IUI. A year on medications, shots and ultrasounds. A year of trying methods. Round number two worked like a charm. Everything was going beautifully. As I sat in the office I was ecstatic that I was pregnant, waiting for my doctor to give me numbers and to see the first ultrasound. I was in tears I was in such joy. As we all know a baby conceived after such a long road and journey of infertility is a rough one. 

As the first month progressed I became absolutely horribly sick. I couldn’t breathe I was coughing so bad, and I wouldn’t stop regurgitating. Two weeks later things started to smooth out. I was still sick all the time but hey, that’s pregnancy I figured. As months passed I noted that I was still having pretty severe cramping in my stomach. Unfortunately a doctor I was supposed to be seeing was not being provided to me. Complicated OB. I should have been seeing them all along but a fail on my generic OB kept that from happening. My doctor just waved her hand and said that my pain was normal, it was round ligament pain. The weird sensations of a ball in my pelvis and a sharp pain in my kidney/ovary area was nothing. She talked down to me. Constantly. I finally had enough and switched my assigned OB.I finally decided to go into the complicated OB office myself and make my appointment. As the Generic OB was supposed to be following up with appointments through them, nothing had been done. 

The sad part, is this would have been my saving grace. 20 weeks later and my husband and I are nervous but excited to find out the gender of our child. We sat in the Complicated OB office waiting for that fetal assessment level 2 ultrasound. As they moved around my stomach I noticed they spent a ton of time on the head, heart and spine. I was really curious as to why but I figured it was normal. Then another specialist came in to review the ultrasound. I started to think the first might not have been tofamiliar and wanted to get a second look. As I watched in awe of the moving figure in front of me, my heart dropped as these words came out of the technicians mouth. “The nuchal fold is at a 7.6.” I figured it might be a minor issue and asked what it was an indicator of. “Downs Syndrome” My heart raced. I was freaking out. I could handle that but I was really hoping there wasn’t more to the situation. I learned in my teenage years that many times if there are other complications attached to it, it can be really bad. I went to a school that specialized in more one on one teaching, and had a very large department for just kids with Downs. I had seen the horrible extremes the issue could bring up. The tech decided to get another doctor as she also had a few other things she was concerned about. 

I grabbed my husbands hand like I was falling off the face of the earth. Tears sprang to my eyes as we sat there in the room alone waiting for a doctor to come in. I was hoping everything was just the first of many heart attacks this child would bring to us.That it was a fluke. Everything was OK. After all, we were having our dream. A boy. The door opened and she came to sit with me. As she moved my stomach around I felt a sharp pain again in my stomach and she waited for a few seconds before putting the wand against my stomach. The child was upside down. Head still down in my pelvis but a bit more up and down. That’s when I saw the look. The face that told me everything. She focused on the heart and we watched it beat. However, It just didn’t look like what I had seen when I had my heart echo. It was partitioned in a weird manner. “C, there is more than likely a 5th chamber, or a flap. I am a bit stumped as to what I am looking at here.” She let me have that sink in as she moved to the head. The nuchal fold was measured and it seemed to have altered in numbers. 5.6  . I was happy to note that but the first number was supposedly more accurate. As we sat there they tried to get facial features. Sadly nothing looked like a child’s face on my ultrasound. So they moved back to the spine. It looked like when a computer malfunctions and there’s a skip of white lines across the screen. The back was arched heavily and the sharp pain resumed in my ovaries. The doctor just took a picture of it and moved on. She then put down the wand. 

“C. We have some options of things to do but I really recommend we get an amniotic test from you today.” I nodded, knowing that was a best option. I had heard about them done but I knew it was a bit late for the test with my situation. After some research, I found out that it could be done a bit earlier too. The doctor prepared me for the procedure and explained everything. It was not comfortable, I did not enjoy it. OK I hate needles. We all got a much needed laugh as one of the awesome nurses mentioned my tattooed covered arms and back. I retorted, but it’s a different needle than this monster. But the 99.99% results outcome is what I needed for peace of mind. I needed to see a neonatal cardiologist for the heart as the situation was too complicated for the Dr’s expertise. At this point I think I wanted to throw up my heart. 

As we left the office with appointments in hand and a promise that we would get a call in the next 2 to 3 days with initial results I felt like the world was over. I cried in the car on the way home. All 1.5 hours of it. I cried at home, and started doing research. I prepare for the worst with hopes that the best happens. However, this time the worst is what I needed to prepare for. It was worse than I could have ever imagined.

A few days later our call was my worst nightmare. Between conversations of two doctors, one being the heart specialist, my little boy had a pretty bad heart issue. (I knew this would cause all sorts of complications in the future of their life, as the type that was described to me I had seen first hand. Both in a family member-who had a horrible life- and in school.) There was a probability he wouldn’t live past one, and if he did he would have childhood onset Alzheimer’s. Downs or Trisomy 21 was found. They were not sure but it showed faint possibilities of Trisomy 18 and Trisomy 13 as well. They needed to run the full panel to make sure. It could take up to two more weeks to be sure of everything else. It was a horrible and bleak prognosis, but the cardiologist who received my report gave me worse news. Seizures in the womb. The arch of the body was not a good sign as it showed seizures, and they couldn’t find the face. The term was a “skeleton” face. As he said it was the best way to describe what he was looking at that made sense to the average adult. It didn’t mean it wasn’t there, but they couldn’t find it. This child is in pain. I knew it. I was in pain, both mentally and emotionally. I couldn’t do this to a child. His heart is working overtime, his back arched all the time, and the movements were jerky and not very smooth. The arch angle in my womb was heavy. The quality of life was horrible already. 

That’s when it hit me. As I spoke to both of them I knew the best option for the already immense suffering of this child. Termination. As I spoke to my two doctors they agreed with me that it might be in my best interest if that’s what I wanted to do. They also notified me of the horrifying complication that birth could bring to me since the heart was really really bad. They gave me all my options, but we had already known what was to be chosen. 

Now I sit here, with excruciating pain both in my heart and stomach. My head is killing me as the mental anguish and toll it takes is heavy. The child still moves but with rapid and sharp pain. Heavy and extreme. It stops me in my tracks. About 3 times an hour. Tears well my eyes as I feel not only movement but seizures as the body stretches out from pelvis to kidney. My heart breaks. I'm wearing thin. In order to find a place to help I was sadly turned away from my OB as they would not terminate in this circumstance. I was left to find an abortion clinic. Three days from now I have to be fully sedated and undergo surgery to remove the fetus due to the extreme conditions. Thankfully I found a place that has this happen in a hospital. I have to drive about three hours away. I am ready to just end the pain for my child, as I so desperately wish there wasn’t this route I need to take. My husband finally breaks down in front of me. He hasn’t done that in 10 years. Since his father passed. I'm so lucky my marriage is so strong. That my husband is so attentive and loving. That he promises to be with me no matter what happens. More than 60% of people in this situation divorce. Three days from now, my journey in infertility and genetic complications continues. Three days from now I will be without my baby boy. My everything. Three days from now I will come home from the hospital with empty arms. 

You are not alone if you’ve made this choice, or have to. It’s OK to cry. I am…