Let me state a few things before I continue. I am Cathlic and I will not convert so please no negative comments.
I'm going to back track to this time last year. Right after my mom passed away I posted on my social media accounts, "you and your prayers can fuck off!!! Praying didn't save her, so what's the use... There is no God, if there is then why her?" Well of course that got some people all butthurt and they unfollowed me. That's fine and dandy I really didn't care and still don't care. Until they have to pick their mother's casket at the age of 28 and know what I was going through I could careless what they think.
Back on track. I literally lost my faith. Now I've always been the type that believes that you don't have to go to church every Sunday to be religious. When mama was taken I literally yelled and screamed and cursed God out. I don't understand why God would take someone without warning. That to me is so beyond heartless and goes against everything that God is supposed to stand for. From that moment on in my mind there is no God.
Throughout my journey I am gradually starting to regain my faith. Slowly but surely. Do I still question why, of course I do. Do I still feel that there is no God, this is a bit harder. I have my moments where I tell myself that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, and other times I'm like fuck this God illusion he's not real.
Lately i keep getting this thought that pops in my mind that I should go to church. Before you go an said well theres the answer go dummy. To me its not that simple. No I am not fighting the thoughts. The best way I can explain whats going on is that it is like and internal battle. I know I probably should go so that I can stop these thoughts, but I feel like that reason alone isnt a good enought one. I feel like if I went for that reason then it would be forced not because I want to go. I know to yall this might not make any sence. When the time is right I know that I will go. When I have forgiving God for taking my mother. But honestly where I am right now I have not forgiven him.
As the only saying goes, God doesnt give you what he knows you cant handle. Right now to me this saying is a crock of shit. Why would he take someone mother away without any warning? Why would he give a baby cancer that will end up taking that baby's life? Why would he have people suffer? These are questions I ask myself on a daily basis that continue to make me not have faith in God right now.
I may never know the why, but one day I know I will be ok with not knowing why. Right now one of my biggest struggles is WHY. Sometimes I tell myself its because she knew about my brother and sister in law's micarrage and she didnt want the baby to not have her love, that she wanted to be able to hold the baby and have it know that it is safe. Another thought that I have is as a Catholic we believe that our children start out in heaven and when the time is right you will be blessed with that life ( I am turning it into my own words so please dont quote anything to me), so for me I sometimes take comfort in the fact that my future children are not alone, and that they have the most amazing grandmother taking care of them and showing them so much love.
Lately i keep getting this thought that pops in my mind that I should go to church. Before you go an said well theres the answer go dummy. To me its not that simple. No I am not fighting the thoughts. The best way I can explain whats going on is that it is like and internal battle. I know I probably should go so that I can stop these thoughts, but I feel like that reason alone isnt a good enought one. I feel like if I went for that reason then it would be forced not because I want to go. I know to yall this might not make any sence. When the time is right I know that I will go. When I have forgiving God for taking my mother. But honestly where I am right now I have not forgiven him.
As the only saying goes, God doesnt give you what he knows you cant handle. Right now to me this saying is a crock of shit. Why would he take someone mother away without any warning? Why would he give a baby cancer that will end up taking that baby's life? Why would he have people suffer? These are questions I ask myself on a daily basis that continue to make me not have faith in God right now.
I may never know the why, but one day I know I will be ok with not knowing why. Right now one of my biggest struggles is WHY. Sometimes I tell myself its because she knew about my brother and sister in law's micarrage and she didnt want the baby to not have her love, that she wanted to be able to hold the baby and have it know that it is safe. Another thought that I have is as a Catholic we believe that our children start out in heaven and when the time is right you will be blessed with that life ( I am turning it into my own words so please dont quote anything to me), so for me I sometimes take comfort in the fact that my future children are not alone, and that they have the most amazing grandmother taking care of them and showing them so much love.
I can't say I know exactly how you feel, my mom is still with me today. BUT I did have a big event happen that has subsequently led me to question my faith. I'm also Catholic and it's hard. It's taken 4 years for me to be able to get back into truly wanting to go to church, and from there sometimes I find myself sitting and just being frustrating and questioning everything. You're heart will lead you back when and if it's time to go back. Never apologize for posting what you feel and what you believe!
ReplyDelete