Dear Mama,
I miss you so very much. I am still having a very difficult time dealing with coping with you being gone. I still remember that fateful day like it happen yesterday. In my mind it did happen yesterday. Daddy is doing ok, I talk to him on a daily basis. I have taken on your roll in some aspects with daddy, I make sure he has refilled is meds. When he's packing for a trip I remind him to pack the things you normaly would. We he fells like everything is going wrong and it wont get better I remind him that it will.
The day you passed away is forever etched in my mind. I was on the phone with you on my way to work and you hung up so you could feed Maryrose. Literaly withing 30mins I got a phone call from daddy, I couldn't really pick it up so I texted you asking you what daddy wanted. By this time my phone beeped for a voice mail, to this day I still havent listened to it. Daddy called back a few minutes later. I instently knew something was wrong when I heard his voice. All I knew was it looked like you passed out and hit your head that you stopped breathing. I literally scrambled to get my stuff and leave. I make it into the hospital parking lot and got another phone call from daddy, your were gone. Everything went numb, I have no idea how I managed to park. Next thing I know is I was in daddy's arms. Everything was all a blur at that time. I rememeber calling Nikki screaming and crying, a nurse trying to move me and I yelled at her to not touch me while Adam blocked me. I remember daddy saying to grandmom on the phone that he didnt know what to do, and intantly I knew I needed to be the strong woman you and daddy raised me to be for him and Joey.
I miss our lunch dates, eating and watching Grey's Anatomy on lifetime. (BTW Christina left, she now has her own hospital and Derek went to DC to work on his program with NIH. Cali and Arizona are divorced.) I miss seeing how excited you would get when you had Maryrose, you would light up a room with your smile. I miss seeing how proud you were of daddy and all of his accomplishments. I miss being able to pick up the phone and you being there no matter how stupid the reason for me to call or text was, you were there.
I am so sorry for taking you for granted when I was a teenager, I probably said and did things that I should have never done and now I cant take them back. I wish I would have said I love you one more time. I wish you could be here to watch me have babies. Andrew and I made you one of those smushed pennies you like of the baby panda BoaBoa that sunday before when we were at the zoo, I wish that I could have gave it to you. It has been in my walet ever since.
I regret being stuborn and not having an actual wedding. For not giving you the chance to see my walk down the isle with daddy. I regret not giving daddy the chance to actually walk me down the isle. But I promise you I will make that up. You WILL get the chance to see me walk down the isle.
Since you've passed we are now at Fairchild in Washington. Its a huge change. Its been tough. Having my mama to talk to definetly would have made things so much easier. I feel that you had a hand in picking my new friends, and from the bottom of my heart I want to say thank you.
I finally made the step to try again with seeing a counslor, I think she is a perfect fit. She kept calling me kiddo, which right there was the sign I needed, since thats what daddy calls me I have a funny feeling that was you putting that word into her mouth. She said I was doing everything right that you were proud of me. Everyone has been telling me that but I think that I needed to hear it from an unbias party. I am taking things day by day. I am looking forward to the memoral that I have planned for you, although I know that day is going to be very emotional. I know you will be looking down and see the sky light up just for you.
Andrew and I are hoping to be able to tell daddy that he's going to be a grandpa again. I know that you will make it happen when its time. I believe that you are up in heaven taking care of your future grandchild until it is time to give it to us.
Until I see you again.
I love you with all of my heart
Alyssa
Since you've passed we are now at Fairchild in Washington. Its a huge change. Its been tough. Having my mama to talk to definetly would have made things so much easier. I feel that you had a hand in picking my new friends, and from the bottom of my heart I want to say thank you.
I finally made the step to try again with seeing a counslor, I think she is a perfect fit. She kept calling me kiddo, which right there was the sign I needed, since thats what daddy calls me I have a funny feeling that was you putting that word into her mouth. She said I was doing everything right that you were proud of me. Everyone has been telling me that but I think that I needed to hear it from an unbias party. I am taking things day by day. I am looking forward to the memoral that I have planned for you, although I know that day is going to be very emotional. I know you will be looking down and see the sky light up just for you.
Andrew and I are hoping to be able to tell daddy that he's going to be a grandpa again. I know that you will make it happen when its time. I believe that you are up in heaven taking care of your future grandchild until it is time to give it to us.
Until I see you again.
I love you with all of my heart
Alyssa
No comments:
Post a Comment