Can't sleep

Lately it's either I can't fall asleep or I can't stay asleep. The last time this happen was when mama passed away. I tried everything to fall asleep. But what worked was the "white noise" station on pandora. Whelp that's not the case this time. Like right now I have this unsettling feeling.

So what do I do when I can't sleep now. Of course I play games on my phone and google stuff. I've been playing Bubble Witch 2 and Guess the emoji. That gets old fast. Right now I've googled everything from ways to fall asleep to random words. 

I'm totally against getting prescription drugs to help me sleep. I don't want to become dependent on it. (I am in no way judging other people who are taking sleeping pills! This is just my personal opinion). Melatonin works to a point for me. Like if I keep taking it then it won't work, this is with any meds obviously. The reason I have the melatonin is because it's a natural substite. 

Actually the talk of prescription drugs just made me wonder if the reason I can't sleep is due to the fact that I'm still not sure how to cope over the loss of mama. 

When I did see someone before I left Maryland, the guy made me leave very angry, so I lost hope of getting the help I need. Now I'm not gonna go into why I left angry, very few people know the reason. So of course since mama's passing I've been doing a lot of research, and I am well aware of the fact that it can take me a bunch of tries to find the right fit with a counselor. Once I fully get settled I am gonna try the process again. 

I got a book, Motherless Daughters, I can't bring myself to read it. I'm not ready to come to terms. Logicly I know it's true and it's my new reality, but emotionally I'm not ready. I think I've diverted back to shutting my feelings out.