Social Media is My Enemy

Oh great there goes another pregnancy announcement!!!




It's awkward, not because I'm not happy for them, its honestly me. I instantly feel anger, bitterness, sadness and grief. I've even had resentment. But not necessarily towards them, towards my situation mostly. I want to be excited and joyful for my friends/family but I can't, I'm Struggling.  And I can’t stop the feelings of hurt that have come along with infertility. Or the bad thoughts that this  excitement of announcing my own pregnancy will never happen. And it’s hard. It makes me feel like an awful person. I am in a constant pain as everything reminds me of my situation on a daily basis.




I'm the person more than likely I will like your statuses but not really comment. Its not because I'm jealous(ok lets be honest a small percent is because I'm jealous), but I can't, I can't bring my self to doing it. It has nothing to do with you or your joyous time. It has everything to do with the daily struggle I have. Infertility brings on a whole new set of feeling and emotions that I never knew I could posses.


With all these announcements it makes me fell even less of a woman than I already feel. I can't do what a female is supposed to able to naturally do without the aid of doctors.  Infertility is so mind consuming, I constantly think about it. I wake up and touch my belly and wish it was me that had morning sickness and kicks, aches and pains. The things that other people hate about their pregnancies are the things I'd die to experience. So the daily reminders on social media break my heart into a million pieces over and over again.


I'm not talking about this to make anyone feel bad, I am telling yall this because so many people don't realize how big of a thing infertility is and how much it consumes your daily life. As much as it hurts to see these things on social media I wouldn't have it any other way. Having a baby is a miracle and blessing and I am so beyond grateful that I can witness my friends/family experience them. It give me hope that when it is finally my time everyone will be joyous and excited for me.  

Road to Baby C part 6

Cycle 2 of being on Letrozole has had amazing results. I confirmed Ovulation. I am still in my waiting period before I can start taking pregnancy test. But lets face it I couldn't hold out and I did end up testing over the weekend and no surprise it was negative. But since I have a long luteal phase it could have just been too early to tell. Some you you might be thinking "what in the world is a luteal phase", well the luteal phase is one stage of the menstrual cycle. It occurs after ovulation (when the ovaries release an egg) and before your period starts. During this phase, the lining of your uterus normally becomes thicker to prepare for a possible pregnancy.

This is the first cycle that I have actually been tempting (basal body temperature).

What is basal body temperature?

Basal body temperature is your body temperature when you're completely at rest. Most women experience a slight rise in basal body temperature -- measuring only fractions of a degree -- when they ovulate. If you take your basal body temperature properly and chart it each day, it's possible to determine if ovulation has occurred.

How do I take my basal body temperature?

To create an accurate chart, you need to take your temperature as soon as you wake up. You must take your temperature before you get out of bed, talk, eat, drink, have sex, or smoke in order to get an accurate reading.

 *If your temp is still high for 14+days that is a sign of early pregnancy. However if you did not conceive your temp will drop right before your period is set to start.*



If we haven't conceived this cycle we will do 1 more cycle with the current method. If but Nov we have not conceived we will go to the next route, which is IUI. I have been debating whether or not to blog about that, but tbh its my journey and it wouldn't be honest if I didn't talk about it. As you all have notice my blog lately has been about infertility, well that's what my life is consisting of right now so naturally I am going to blog about it and bring light to it. If I help just 1 person realize that they are not alone and that they can get through this then its worth it. Alot of people might not agree with how candid I am with my blog. But if you all recall this is my form of therapy.

I have noticed that there are alot of people that think IUI is IVF. Well I am going to explain what IUI is.



Intrauterine insemination (IUI) is a fertility treatment that involves placing sperm inside a woman’s uterus to facilitate fertilization. The goal of IUI is to increase the number of sperm that reach the fallopian tubes and subsequently increase the chance of fertilization.
IUI provides the sperm an advantage by giving it a head start, but still requires a sperm to reach and fertilize the egg on its own. It is a less invasive and less expensive option compared to in vitro fertilization.

How does IUI work?

Before intrauterine insemination, ovulation stimulating medications may be used, in which case careful monitoring will be necessary to determine when the eggs are mature. The IUI procedure will then be performed around the time of ovulation, typically about 24-36 hours after the surge in LH hormone that indicates ovulation will occur soon.
A semen sample will be washed by the lab to separate the semen from the seminal fluid. A catheter will then be used to insert the sperm directly into the uterus. This process maximizes the number of sperm cells that are placed in the uterus, thus increasing the possibility of conception.
The IUI procedure takes only a few minutes and involves minimal discomfort. The next step is to watch for signs and symptoms of pregnancy.

What are the risks of IUI?

The chances of becoming pregnant with multiples is increased if you take fertility medication when having IUI. There is also a small risk of infection after IUI.

How successfull is IUI?

The success of IUI depends on several factors. If a couple has the IUI procedure performed each month, success rates may reach as high as 20% per cycle depending on variables such as female age, the reason for infertility, and whether fertility drugs were used, among other variables.

 

10 things you should never say to someone struggling with Fertility

I have heard so many hurtful things over the year when it comes to trying to have a baby. Some of the people don't think they are being hurtful, some genuinely mean to be helpful, and others outright know for a fact that they are being asses. So I figured it was time for my to compile a mini list of things to NEVER say. Some of my followers are struggling with fertility themselves so I know either they have read some of these from other blogs or experienced them themselves. I'm also going to write what I'm thinking in my head that I wish I could say out loud, I will warn you they are not nice by any means.

                                     

1. "Enjoy the sleep while you can, because you won't be getting any when you finally do have a kid" -- really fucker, I didn't know that you lose sleep when you have kids, thank you for enlightening me.

2. "Don't try so hard and then it will happen" -- how about you educate yourself on what exactly it means to have infertility and all the doctors appointments, meds, and tracking that goes into this. 

3. "Have you ever thought that maybe it's in gods plan for you to not be a mother?"-- seriously what kind of fucking question is this?!?!?

4. "Your thinking about it too much" -- ummmm how can I not think about it, with the daily tracking and meds that I have to take it's constantly on my mind

5. "You can always adopt" -- yeah ok I'm gonna do that tomorrow, so your gonna give me the $20,000+ it takes to adopt right

6. "If you stop trying it will happen"-- this just proves how much of an idiot you are please do your research on infertility

7. "There are worse things that can happen" -- your 'worst' and my 'worst' are two different things

8. "So who's fault is it, his or yours?" -- wait what did you just ask this?!?! As if I'm not already beating myself up.

9. "Your lucky your not pregnant like me, I'm having a rough time" -- I just have no words for this, your so ungrateful for even saying this to me

10. "You don't look like your infertile" -- what's that supposed to mean. We don't all fit in the same box!!! 

There are so many more things that get said/asked but I would be writing for days. 

Guest Blogger

I am so excited to be launching guest bloggers. And I'm kicking it off with a bang!!!! This guest blogger is a beyond amazingly fierce woman, she proves that all of those struggling with infertility don't fit in the same box. So here goes....

I feel like I’ve failed as a Woman. (By: CM. *Names have been changed.*)

My doctor and I sat down in her office. Her intern was with her. I knew immediately something was wrong. 

My heart sank. “Mrs. Murphy, We just don’t know why this is happening.” It seems that had always been my way in life. I had to do things the hard way. It was never anything easy. Always the struggle. You see, I am just a simple 29 year old woman. About 5’10”. Brown hair, brown eyes. Nothing special. Nothing more or less than the next person. In fact I love people. That’s why I had become a police officer. 

But let me rewind this a few. I promise this story will add up for you. Just be patient with me. This journey really starts when I was about 18 years old. 

I had a very VERY traumatic Christmas Eve in 2004. My year ended with me on a mass amount of medications and brain surgery. Tumor so they suspected. Thankfully it was nothing, but it was bad enough to have me in tears yelling, and sobbing in the ER. It had been blocking vital fluids. It was painful.

Fast forward to 2006. I had healed, and I had worked my heart out. I joined the military. Shipped off to boot camp and did my thing. 16 shots in one day- later 7 weeks in, and I ended upbeing forced into coming back home. You see… they noticed a few medical issues that needed to be sorted out. Ok, no big. I’ll be back with a good to go. While sorting it out the impossible happened.

My mother was sick. She was my first priority. I ended up staying. No harm though, I had found my calling. Law enforcement. 

2010 Life was scary. It was fast, and things were being thrown in my face. Life of a rookie I suppose. No FTO program. Then city was a little too hectic. They needed people fast. I just had a partner and was supposed to pay attention. 

The house was a shack and it smelled. Oh, no. Wait. That was me. It was a pungent smell. The sliminess of the cold wet noodles shocked me. He did it. I couldn’t believe it. I was doused in ravioli. The canned kind. The mentally deranged Veteran was having nothing of me telling him what to do.Instead he was running around the house in his underwear, screaming, and banging pots and pans. When he wasn’t trying to chase me with the full ones.

That was the way of the world though. Get yelled at, get hit, fight, handcuffs and then off to jail. Oh yeah, back to the guy with the sharp ravioli can and the mental issues. Yes we fought, and yes he bit me. The big scare for me was what I found out later when I got to the jail. He had Hepatitis. It was the most fearful weeks of my life waiting for blood tests to come back, and all the medications that they made me take to make sure nothing else happened. Negative. Life went on. 

“NO. Darnissa, the shoes don’t go on your hands. YOUR FEET! Put them on your feet! Foot! The thing with toes…. Hello? Oh who am I kidding….” Stick. Piercing, blinding pain. I just looked down with this big diabetic needle sticking out of my finger. My world was feeling funny. Fast. That was brown….yellowwwww…..rrrnmmghshshs…… Thankfully my partner caught me as I almost passed out. I tested positive for heroin for a while. I had to take off from work for a week. Pills……..so many pills. I was petrified I had gotten something. So much blood to be drawn. I looked like a junkie when I left the hospital later. Negative. Thankfully. 

2011 Yea. Something like that. I was on a motorcycle, and the breeze was awesome. You see, Texas can get really hot in the summer. In wool. In knee high leather boots. My hair was braided back in a French braid. I had the stereotypical cop shades on. And I thought I looked awesome. What I really looked like was a raccoon with white face straps when all the gear came off. But with that radar gun in my lap, and school zone lights flashing behind me I felt like a safety net to those kids. I was so happy to be doing my job. 56mph. Yep I got another one. Radar went on a clip on my belt, and off I went. You see, not too long ago a little girl had been hit by a man on his cell phone flying down the road. She hadn’t made it. I was devastated when I found out it was an area I liked to work but hadn’t in a while. Ticket was served and I went back to my spot. I pulled my radar from my belt, nestled it on my lap and waited for another car. 

It’s 2015 and here we are. For the first time in a year I had gotten my cycle.

My doctor and I had been working heavily together since my husband and I were hoping to get pregnant. Since I didn’t have my period, I couldn’t. One of the many side effects of Depo-Provera. Not to mention the weight gain from 165lbs to 220. I asked my previous primary care physician and she said that there were not really any lasting side effects. She lied horribly. She also said a ton of other things and one day I had enough of, and when I had a major issue and she blew me off. My new primary doctor was horrified. So was my OBGYN. No PCOS though. That was a relief. 

I ended up coming to the Washington D.C. area in May. I spoke with my new doctors and soon enough we were back on our journey. I was set up with a doctor that insisted I do IUI. No. I didn’t want that. Sure you do. No. Yes. No. Complaint. Ok FINE. No, you can do IVF. 

I felt like I was having a battle in my head with 6 shouting no and one little one begging for help. It was just that bad. My doctor listed off a 7 thousand dollar sticker price. I was shocked, but it was doable. Mom was going to help. I could manage. In reality though, that was far from the truth. We were looking at more like 28 thousand total. 

I inhaled. I exhaled and then I lost it. In a very hushed tone I told the woman on the phone I had to let her go. I then melted. I was done. I felt like every bone in my body had been ripped from my skin and I just collapsed inside. The lump in my throat was horrible. I tried so hard to hide the tears from my husband, but that didn’t work. His response? “How do I turn it off?????” a 3rdrock from the sun reference. Its our favorite show to watch.

I was in shock. I couldn’t believe it. Not only because only a year ago we actually had that money, but now more so than ever since we got ripped by a major car company and had to buy a different vehicle and for the better part just junk our brand new car.  We had no possible way to even make payments for 28 thousand.

Back to sitting in that doctors office. 

Since they didn’t know why I was infertile I gave them a list of issues I thought were possible. They started to nod, then agree, then test and then one day looked at me with this horrible, petrifying look of remorse and sympathy. I hated that look. It’s the same I had when I lost my partner a few years ago. I never stopped crying when people gave me that look. I rubbed my memorial tattoo as I rocked slightly. I was about to lose it again in this office. I couldn’t help but feel tears well up. We discussed IUI and even then with a 2% chance I knew it was the only option I had that was better than nothing. I could afford 170$ a month out of pocket. 

So much for full health care. My police job used to be able to cover us for this stuff 100% minus copays. Too bad for little olme. Little miss Casey. The child in me curled up into a ball and sobbed. It was over. Ruined, by that chance when I followed my husband to this new state so we could have a normal married life and so he could have his career. Family and support. I couldn’t lay blame on him. I found myself wanting to.

So here I sit. Waiting. It’s close to attempt number two on IUI.It’s so violating. So impersonal. So cold. I feel like less than a human. I feel like a lab rat. My heart broke the first time I saw that tell tell rusty red when I was getting everything ready to attempt a pregnancy test. I wanted to see if attempt IUI one had worked. I was disgusted with myself. I felt like a failure as a woman. 

The only thing I can come up with is the hope that attempt number two will take. I’m petrified of that feeling for failure. I want to feel like a woman. I slammed my head on my desk and let out the groan we all do. You know the one that tells others we are done. I don’t know how much I can take of this. I know my struggle has just started. I need to do better than this. I AM A COP AFTER ALL. It’s my job to be STRONG. Yeah. Worked huh? No. Me neither.  I look up to those women with 6 years and nothing and are still trying. Im just going to save up my money and maybe adopt. I was adopted. I would be happy with that. 

Nope. Didn’t help either. Im just going to sit in my corner. Sulk. Knit…..ooooOOooo wine. There is a plus side to getting your period.

 

Good Luck. We need all that we can get. 

 

 

 

Infertility

It's been about a month since I last posted. There are a few reasons why I haven't posted. First being I was a little let down that our first cycle didn't end in a positive. The other being, I was trying to figure out why Infertility is such a taboo subject.

 First off I am going to say you never know some one's story, so next time you want to ask them when they are going to have kids, how about you stop and think!!

Why is Infertility such a taboo subject? That I still don't have the answer to and to be honest I don't think I will ever have the answer. Whatever the reason honestly it makes this road that much harder. Those that have infertility already feel less of themselves, to add the added pressure of outside sources is unbearable at times.

So I am going to give you a bit of data and number on infertility in the states. I am going to break it down to just a few states verses a nation as a whole.

All data from this post can be found at RESOLVE

RESOLVE gives each state a grade from A-F as well as numbers.

How were the grades for each state assigned?

States were graded by evaluating the following criteria for each state and the District of Columbia:

• Number of peer-led RESOLVE support groups in state for people experiencing fertility issues
• Number of physicians specializing in infertility in state, at SART-accredited fertility clinics
• Number of women in state who have experienced physical difficulty in getting pregnant or carrying a pregnancy to live birth
• Insurance mandate information in each state

Since I live in WA right now lets start there

WA Grade D

*2 Peer-led RESOLVE support groups in state for people experiencing fertility issues

*26 Fertility specialists (doctors) in state

*147,772 Women in state, regardless of marital status, who have experienced physical difficulty in getting pregnant or carrying a pregnancy to live birth

*Does state have a law requiring insurance coverage for fertility treatments, also known as an insurance mandate? NO

 

MD Grade A

*6 Peer-led RESOLVE support groups in state for people experiencing fertility issues

*35 Fertility specialists (doctors) in state

*130,081 Women in state, regardless of marital status, who have experienced physical difficulty in getting pregnant or carrying a pregnancy to live birth

*Does state have a law requiring insurance coverage for fertility treatments, also known as an insurance mandate? YES

Can I please go back to MD!!!!!!!

VA Grade B

*16 Peer-led RESOLVE support groups in state for people experiencing fertility issues

*35 Fertility specialists (doctors) in state

*180,144 Women in state, regardless of marital status, who have experienced physical difficulty in getting pregnant or carrying a pregnancy to live birth

*Does state have a law requiring insurance coverage for fertility treatments, also known as an insurance mandate? NO

 

Am I the only one that sees a problem with these numbers? And for many of us we are at the mercy of our Health Insurance Providers. Some are extremely lucky and have amazing coverage and others have to jump though a million and one hoops.

 

I can almost guarantee that everyone knows at least 2 people that are in their inner circle whether it be friends or family that are struggling with Infertility whether they speak about it or not.

 

I have chosen to speak about it, but also this is MY journey. I fell like not only is this my outlet to help myself but if it helps just one person know that they are not alone than I have done what I set out to do.

 

 

So next time you think its cute or funny to ask a married (or not married couple) when they are going to start having children, how about you ask yourself are they that 1 of those 100,000+ couples in your state that are struggling to concieve.