So I know the big question everyone is wondering is; How am I doing emotionally? Ok so where do I begin.?. Well first off no I still have not had my "breakdown", yes it terrifies me. It makes me wonder, am I not having it cuz I'm a bad daughter, or that I'm still fighting it. In my heart of hearts I know it has nothing to do with the first. It's just my brain messes with me at times. I haven't started the process to find another counselor, after my first experience I don't want to deal with it. Yes I know it takes time to find the right fit, I just don't want to have to keep going over and over the details with every new person. Can I just tell them to read my blog?
I still have my bad days but I guess that's to be expected. It seems like for every good day I have I have 3 bad days. Not many people would realize it, I've learned how to hide it. Yes I know I shouldn't be doing that. I don't want to burden others with my pain, I know I know I have people that beg me to get my feelings out but it's just not that easy. Truth be told I don't want to be told I have to be put on meds to help me cope. I am very set on I don't want meds to help me through this.
I've lived everyday since March 4 trying to make my mama and my family proud. But internally I feel like a complete failure for not being able to deal with my feelings.
Being away from my family is so hard. It breaks my heart to see my niece grow up in pictures. I didn't even know she could talk as good as she is until a video got posted on Facebook. That breaks my heart and also pisses me off. I don't get to video chat with her as much as should be happening. She can finally say Aunt Aly which makes me so excited that despite not seeing her she still knows who I am. My nephew is going to be born in the next few months and I more than likely won't be able to fly home for that. Which upsets me that I won't be there to see him or hold him. The instant connection I had/have with Maryrose I won't get to have with Will.
I have never lived this far from my daddy, I'm a huge daddy's girl so it's an adjustment. It breaks my heart that he's all alone and doesn't get to spend time with my brothers family like he wants to.
So onto what's new in my life:
I am no longer a Scentsy rep and am now a MaryKay rep. I have recently started my own company called Aly's Creations. Right now I am making decals and drink wear. Am contemplating bringing personalized ring dishes into the mix. Hoping to take my certs by March for medical billing and coding as well as medical administrative assistant. Let hope I don't bomb them and have to take them again.
We are still trying for a Chance Baby, hasn't happened yet so all the baby dust would be greatly appreciated. I'm trying not to think about it or be worried but that's easier said than done.
My journey to a new normal has just begun. What does 2015 hold for me?, we will soon find out.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother, I hope writing about is therapeutic for you. And good luck with your Chance Baby! Everyone I know always says it'll happen once you stop "trying"(:
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