Road to Baby C part 4

I've been struggling with this post for a few weeks now. I went to see my specialist and I have a "diagnosis" if you could call it that. Good news is I don't have PCOS however I have "unexplained infertility" so we are now having to go see a fertility doctor to help.

This is a double edged sward, on one hand I am happy that there is "nothing" wrong that I don't have a "condition". And on the other hand hearing "unexplained infertility" is heart wrenching. It makes me think what could I have done wrong?. My specialist explained the process of what is going to happen and that they are very optimistic that they will succeed in helping us make our dreams come true. I will end up being on at least 3 different types of medicine. One to induce a cycle, one to "regulate" me and one to induce ovulation. I am well aware that the first few months are trial and error for finding my perfect dosage just like any other medication. I can only hope that with the help of our fertility doctor that our long and hard journey is almost over with our dreams coming true.

Everyday I get so scared to go on social media. Everyday there is a new person popping up pregnant. Now don't get me wrong I am happy for those people. However I can't help but be jealous and angry at the same time. Don't they realize that they are being very insensitive, is what I always say however I have to tell myself that just because I have chosen to tell my story doesn't mean they haven't struggled. But there is also that small percentage that wasn't trying or for that matter never wanted kids and now all the sudden they are all over the place posting in your face. Like I said I am happy that all of these people are being blessed, but its very hurtful.

I would never wish this pain on my worst enemy. It is an inner struggle and war with yourself. Blaming yourself for god knows what. Feeling like you are being punished for something. It also takes a toll on your marriage. As much as I'd like to say that is doesn't, it truly does, it pits you against each other at times. I have come to hate the term "god doesn't give you more than you can handle", that saying is a crock of shit. He has done so much crappy shit to my family in the last year an a half more than anyone in this life time ever deserves.

I keep telling myself that my struggles will help someone know they are not alone and that they can get through the darkness. However why me, why do I have to go through all of this? All I have every wanted my whole life was to be a wife and a mother. I have always said that my sole purpose in life is to be a wife and a mother. Why can't I have that? Why does my life have to be hard? What did I ever do to deserve this turmoil?