Jealousy within the infertility community is a very taboo subject. As much as we try not to get these feelings it is human nature to do so. Just because we are jealous doesn't mean we aren't happy for the person that was able to come out of this struggle with their bundle of joy.
I will admit that I have been jealous. I have said things like why her, why does she get all the support and I get non, why don't I deserve my happy ending? There are so many more things that a lot of us are guilty of saying. Most of us don't mean it to be in a mean or a bashing way, but when you get all these hormones and feelings mixed in on some level it can't be helped.
Jealousy is an emotion, and the word typically refers to the thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, concern, and anxiety over an anticipated loss or status of something of great personal value, particularly in reference to a human connection.
People interpret the word jealousy in many different ways, its all about perspective. It comes in different forms, and can be different levels as well.
How to Handle Jealousy:
- Pick your Social Situations- Lets face it you will not be able to go to every Baby Shower or Birthday party because they might be to emotional for you that day, so don't go it is perfectly fine to skip these event. You need to do what is right for you and your sanity
- Take care of yourself- We all need some relaxing and to treat ourselves since we deal with a lot, so don't feel bad if you spend that $30 on a pedicure, just do it. It will help I promise.
- Talk to someone- I'm not saying you need to see a therapist if you don't want to. But it is always good to have that one person you can talk to no matter the time or place. Whether it be a friend, someone from a group you are in that is dealing with the same things, or your spouse. Just have someone that you can vent to whenever you need to.
- Find new interests- Find something that can be your outlet and help clear your mind when you need to.
- Write about it- You could keep a journal or even have a blog. Writing is known to help clear you mind.
- Send a blessing or prayer- When your eyes gaze upon a pregnant belly, and you feel the green jealousy monster rising inside, pay attention to that feeling. Take two deep breaths. Then, close your eyes and send blessings, vibes, or prayers to that mother and baby. The prayer can be very simple, like "May you have a healthy, safe delivery; may you know nothing but love and warmth." Do this when you feel like giving a blessing, and do it when you don't.
Then, after sending the blessing to the pregnant woman, send a blessing to yourself, fertility related or not. Like, "May I have peace, may I have love," or "May I soon know what it's like to carry a child." Don't be surprised if you feel the jealousy melt away into tears of sadness - the emotion hiding behind the green eyed monster.
- Take a Social Media break- this is mostly where our jealousy comes from. So take a day or so and not get on it at all. Give yourself the time you need to calm down and heal from this blow.
I was
lucky enough to get some wonderful ladies from an Infertility Facebook group I am in to let me use their experiences with jealousy. Being Jealousy at times does not make you a bad person or mean that you are not happy for the other party and these ladies are true examples of that. The names will be pseudonyms to protect these ladies' identities.
"We tried for almost two years for what is now our only child. Living in the military community makes it especially hard because, at least in my experience, the majority of wives don't work and a lot of husbands find ways not to deploy - I always found myself bitter with narrowed eyes at wives who popped out a new baby every 18 months as I thought "oh, it must be nice and easy when he's home every night by dinner" as we tried to space trying and cycles around a million TDYs and deployments. My husband is a flyer - there was no such thing as a schedule. An 11am sortie would find the jet broken and him not coming in until the wee hours of the morning. Then there were the young partying wives/girlfriends who were accidentally pregnant and did nothing but complain about how they couldn't drink or smoke anymore. Oh, you poor poor thing. Every month that went by found me sobbing in my bathroom; I remember one day in particular that I lost it - fell on my living room floor and sobbed into the carpet, banging my fists, literally sobbing and yelling at God and life. Rounds of medication failed. Every timed intercourse schedule failed. OPKs never read right. He would unexpectedly TDY. I was completely consumed by jealousy, bitterness, and hate. If a friend announced a pregnancy, I deleted them from social media and from my life. I felt like they had done it on purpose to spite me, like they were standing in front of me laughing and stabbing me in the heart, even when I could reason with myself that that wasn't the case at all. But it hurt worse than anything ever had. I felt left behind. I felt like a failure. And every test came back normal, every doctor told me they were sorry but they had no idea why I wasn't pregnant. Which made it worse. I struggled a lot with my faith, almost gave it up. I heard all the clichés, which hurt even worse when a friend holding a newborn would tell me "God is good, just pray more," or "don't worry, your time will come when it's right." Patronizing much?? Easy for you to say when you got what you wanted! Glad "God was good" to just you! Holding other peoples' babies didn't console me. We finally got pregnant and had our son, and it was the best day of my life. He's now 3 and a half, and we have tried ever since to have another. We moved again and a new GYN on my yearly asked if anyone had ever diagnosed me with PCOS - no one ever had. Suddenly I had a word for all those dark years. But it also makes you angry- angry that as a woman your body isn't doing what it was designed to do, like you're somehow a mistake or a mess up. And here we are again, in the midst of friends having third, fourth, one friend my age having her SEVENTH child, and we are stuck at one. We aren't invited out by people who have no children because we have him, and not by people who have multiple, because their kids won't each have a playmate. I don't want to make friends with people who have one, because it feels like they're a ticking time bomb, at any moment they'll announce another, and then our friendship will fizzle out, so I don't start it. It's admittedly not as bad this time, because I have my son. But it doesn't mean that on the days where four or five announcements pop up on my feed I don't feel it - that twinge of "must be nice" jealousy. It's not all consuming anymore, but I would be lying if I said it's not there. And anyone who truly burns for a child, whose heart ACHES for it, that says they have never felt jealousy, is a liar. There's no pat on the back, no award, for acting like you are more pious, more emotionally pure, better than anyone else. Cut the crap. You've felt a pang, an ache, even as you've smiled. There's a difference between being able to deal with it, still be happy for others, living your life, and experiencing the emotion of jealousy. Even just wishing it could be you, wishing you had a child, is jealousy. There are so many forms, some more extreme than others. But it is the worst when this catty mess happens between women all struggling with infertility. It's a form of shaming, and it needs to stop. No one wants to hear about how you're a saint who has never had a negative emotion in your life - it's just bragging so you can feel morally superior. Some people NEED to talk, to vent- some more than others; it can be therapeutic. I had a friend at one base who invited me for coffee once a week, and all we did was whine and complain to each other about the struggle...and then we got up and went home and lived our lives with smiles on - but we were able to do that because we had had our form of therapy. People have to be allowed to feel their emotions. They have to let them out. Everyone experiences this journey in an entirely different way, and no one walks it any better than anyone else. This should be a supportive community, but it's not. We shouldn't shame other women into thinking that they should keep their mouths shut and skip along with plastered on smiles every day. At some point, if it gets too bad, we can quietly encourage a friend to seek professional help; otherwise, once in a while let them talk. Most likely they don't mention each bad day to their husband anymore. Chances are they try to hold it together at home. They count their blessings (and never insinuate they don't!! I can't tell you how many times I've been told to "just be grateful" for the one I have, as if I'm not!!!!!!, simply because I want him to have one sibling). Let's embrace the suck that this journey can be. Let's uplift each other without a turned up nose and self-emulation. Let's realize we are all unique humans with unique journeys. But let's also realize we truly are in this together. This is Mommy Wars on another level. And it must end."
"The Smith's started trying the same time as my husband and I. Being close friends Sammy would share things with me about how her husband Adam had backed out of the first S/A appointment because of "embarrassing feelings". Sammy shared that Adam would be taking other guy's overnight duty on the ship when it was time coming up for RE appointments. It got so bad Adam would shame Sammy about her missing work for the appointments. She was working a seasonal job on base at the time.
I did feel bad for her since my husband, Aaron, is always supportive. We have the goal in mind, my husband is up for anything to try or test to do. Adam's behavior was the reason for my jealousy when they did get pregnant. Their last IUI in October 2014 that was a success. It had been rough to hear details from Sammy. They were going to PCS in March to San Antonio. Sammy came over crying, said Adam told her that if the IUI doesn't work then he is done with all this "stressful nonsense" till after the move. Sammy said she didn't even get a sit down talk about it. Adam told her after coming home from duty in the morning. I consoled her and she was okay leaving my house.
The IUI worked for her but she distanced herself all through November and I didn't see her till December 15th or so. She gave a group of friends Christmas cards at a friends dinner out giving the news. Not that I wanted a special moment but I felt it was shitty of her to not share the news to me in private after all the things that went on. Anyways, jealousy hit its breaking point at this moment. I came home and cried to my husband. Adam had given Sammy the sort of ultimatum and then they get pregnant.
Our friendship was very awkward after the news came out. She was distant and I like to think the part of it was because she was moving away. Since she's moved we talk on the phone rarely but text every few weeks. She doesn't talk about her daughter much or share about being a mom. That's hard too.
This experience has shown me that yes, jealousy is okay and to not make this journey about a race to see who can get pregnant first. I'm feeling that inside pressure now because Sammy texted me that they are trying for #2 after the new year. My husband Aaron tells me to slow down and think of our journey only. He is my reminder that its not a race."
"When I started my IUI journey I wanted other experiences so I found the FB group that's closed. I asked questions and got different answers, the usual. The board started changing with more same sex couples (female only, I want to make it clear that I'm not against the gay community) who joined the group. Posts got more inclusive. Shaming went on.
I left the group when I was told that I should feel lucky that I get fresh samples and don't have to pay out of pocket for frozen. I shouldn't complain because after the IUI, I can still try the few days after with intercourse. Saying "lesbian couples have it a lot harder than straight couples" and more crazy rants of "same sex couples can get pregnant faster than straight". I'm not against the same sex couples but hearing that and starting to be told how I should feel was enough for me.
That board was hurtful then supportive. Words of wisdom, thick skin when dealing with online support boards. Know when to move on and find like minded more in common groups. As far as dealing with jealousy in this situation. I'd say to stay off social media for a few. Jealousy will pass, it takes time. Think of healthy ways to deal with the jealousy, talk to others like your spouse or friends that are outside the situation."
I want to thank these ladies for sharing there experiences with jealousy. xoxo
