10 things you should never say to someone struggling with Fertility

I have heard so many hurtful things over the year when it comes to trying to have a baby. Some of the people don't think they are being hurtful, some genuinely mean to be helpful, and others outright know for a fact that they are being asses. So I figured it was time for my to compile a mini list of things to NEVER say. Some of my followers are struggling with fertility themselves so I know either they have read some of these from other blogs or experienced them themselves. I'm also going to write what I'm thinking in my head that I wish I could say out loud, I will warn you they are not nice by any means.

                                     

1. "Enjoy the sleep while you can, because you won't be getting any when you finally do have a kid" -- really fucker, I didn't know that you lose sleep when you have kids, thank you for enlightening me.

2. "Don't try so hard and then it will happen" -- how about you educate yourself on what exactly it means to have infertility and all the doctors appointments, meds, and tracking that goes into this. 

3. "Have you ever thought that maybe it's in gods plan for you to not be a mother?"-- seriously what kind of fucking question is this?!?!?

4. "Your thinking about it too much" -- ummmm how can I not think about it, with the daily tracking and meds that I have to take it's constantly on my mind

5. "You can always adopt" -- yeah ok I'm gonna do that tomorrow, so your gonna give me the $20,000+ it takes to adopt right

6. "If you stop trying it will happen"-- this just proves how much of an idiot you are please do your research on infertility

7. "There are worse things that can happen" -- your 'worst' and my 'worst' are two different things

8. "So who's fault is it, his or yours?" -- wait what did you just ask this?!?! As if I'm not already beating myself up.

9. "Your lucky your not pregnant like me, I'm having a rough time" -- I just have no words for this, your so ungrateful for even saying this to me

10. "You don't look like your infertile" -- what's that supposed to mean. We don't all fit in the same box!!! 

There are so many more things that get said/asked but I would be writing for days. 

Guest Blogger

I am so excited to be launching guest bloggers. And I'm kicking it off with a bang!!!! This guest blogger is a beyond amazingly fierce woman, she proves that all of those struggling with infertility don't fit in the same box. So here goes....

I feel like I’ve failed as a Woman. (By: CM. *Names have been changed.*)

My doctor and I sat down in her office. Her intern was with her. I knew immediately something was wrong. 

My heart sank. “Mrs. Murphy, We just don’t know why this is happening.” It seems that had always been my way in life. I had to do things the hard way. It was never anything easy. Always the struggle. You see, I am just a simple 29 year old woman. About 5’10”. Brown hair, brown eyes. Nothing special. Nothing more or less than the next person. In fact I love people. That’s why I had become a police officer. 

But let me rewind this a few. I promise this story will add up for you. Just be patient with me. This journey really starts when I was about 18 years old. 

I had a very VERY traumatic Christmas Eve in 2004. My year ended with me on a mass amount of medications and brain surgery. Tumor so they suspected. Thankfully it was nothing, but it was bad enough to have me in tears yelling, and sobbing in the ER. It had been blocking vital fluids. It was painful.

Fast forward to 2006. I had healed, and I had worked my heart out. I joined the military. Shipped off to boot camp and did my thing. 16 shots in one day- later 7 weeks in, and I ended upbeing forced into coming back home. You see… they noticed a few medical issues that needed to be sorted out. Ok, no big. I’ll be back with a good to go. While sorting it out the impossible happened.

My mother was sick. She was my first priority. I ended up staying. No harm though, I had found my calling. Law enforcement. 

2010 Life was scary. It was fast, and things were being thrown in my face. Life of a rookie I suppose. No FTO program. Then city was a little too hectic. They needed people fast. I just had a partner and was supposed to pay attention. 

The house was a shack and it smelled. Oh, no. Wait. That was me. It was a pungent smell. The sliminess of the cold wet noodles shocked me. He did it. I couldn’t believe it. I was doused in ravioli. The canned kind. The mentally deranged Veteran was having nothing of me telling him what to do.Instead he was running around the house in his underwear, screaming, and banging pots and pans. When he wasn’t trying to chase me with the full ones.

That was the way of the world though. Get yelled at, get hit, fight, handcuffs and then off to jail. Oh yeah, back to the guy with the sharp ravioli can and the mental issues. Yes we fought, and yes he bit me. The big scare for me was what I found out later when I got to the jail. He had Hepatitis. It was the most fearful weeks of my life waiting for blood tests to come back, and all the medications that they made me take to make sure nothing else happened. Negative. Life went on. 

“NO. Darnissa, the shoes don’t go on your hands. YOUR FEET! Put them on your feet! Foot! The thing with toes…. Hello? Oh who am I kidding….” Stick. Piercing, blinding pain. I just looked down with this big diabetic needle sticking out of my finger. My world was feeling funny. Fast. That was brown….yellowwwww…..rrrnmmghshshs…… Thankfully my partner caught me as I almost passed out. I tested positive for heroin for a while. I had to take off from work for a week. Pills……..so many pills. I was petrified I had gotten something. So much blood to be drawn. I looked like a junkie when I left the hospital later. Negative. Thankfully. 

2011 Yea. Something like that. I was on a motorcycle, and the breeze was awesome. You see, Texas can get really hot in the summer. In wool. In knee high leather boots. My hair was braided back in a French braid. I had the stereotypical cop shades on. And I thought I looked awesome. What I really looked like was a raccoon with white face straps when all the gear came off. But with that radar gun in my lap, and school zone lights flashing behind me I felt like a safety net to those kids. I was so happy to be doing my job. 56mph. Yep I got another one. Radar went on a clip on my belt, and off I went. You see, not too long ago a little girl had been hit by a man on his cell phone flying down the road. She hadn’t made it. I was devastated when I found out it was an area I liked to work but hadn’t in a while. Ticket was served and I went back to my spot. I pulled my radar from my belt, nestled it on my lap and waited for another car. 

It’s 2015 and here we are. For the first time in a year I had gotten my cycle.

My doctor and I had been working heavily together since my husband and I were hoping to get pregnant. Since I didn’t have my period, I couldn’t. One of the many side effects of Depo-Provera. Not to mention the weight gain from 165lbs to 220. I asked my previous primary care physician and she said that there were not really any lasting side effects. She lied horribly. She also said a ton of other things and one day I had enough of, and when I had a major issue and she blew me off. My new primary doctor was horrified. So was my OBGYN. No PCOS though. That was a relief. 

I ended up coming to the Washington D.C. area in May. I spoke with my new doctors and soon enough we were back on our journey. I was set up with a doctor that insisted I do IUI. No. I didn’t want that. Sure you do. No. Yes. No. Complaint. Ok FINE. No, you can do IVF. 

I felt like I was having a battle in my head with 6 shouting no and one little one begging for help. It was just that bad. My doctor listed off a 7 thousand dollar sticker price. I was shocked, but it was doable. Mom was going to help. I could manage. In reality though, that was far from the truth. We were looking at more like 28 thousand total. 

I inhaled. I exhaled and then I lost it. In a very hushed tone I told the woman on the phone I had to let her go. I then melted. I was done. I felt like every bone in my body had been ripped from my skin and I just collapsed inside. The lump in my throat was horrible. I tried so hard to hide the tears from my husband, but that didn’t work. His response? “How do I turn it off?????” a 3rdrock from the sun reference. Its our favorite show to watch.

I was in shock. I couldn’t believe it. Not only because only a year ago we actually had that money, but now more so than ever since we got ripped by a major car company and had to buy a different vehicle and for the better part just junk our brand new car.  We had no possible way to even make payments for 28 thousand.

Back to sitting in that doctors office. 

Since they didn’t know why I was infertile I gave them a list of issues I thought were possible. They started to nod, then agree, then test and then one day looked at me with this horrible, petrifying look of remorse and sympathy. I hated that look. It’s the same I had when I lost my partner a few years ago. I never stopped crying when people gave me that look. I rubbed my memorial tattoo as I rocked slightly. I was about to lose it again in this office. I couldn’t help but feel tears well up. We discussed IUI and even then with a 2% chance I knew it was the only option I had that was better than nothing. I could afford 170$ a month out of pocket. 

So much for full health care. My police job used to be able to cover us for this stuff 100% minus copays. Too bad for little olme. Little miss Casey. The child in me curled up into a ball and sobbed. It was over. Ruined, by that chance when I followed my husband to this new state so we could have a normal married life and so he could have his career. Family and support. I couldn’t lay blame on him. I found myself wanting to.

So here I sit. Waiting. It’s close to attempt number two on IUI.It’s so violating. So impersonal. So cold. I feel like less than a human. I feel like a lab rat. My heart broke the first time I saw that tell tell rusty red when I was getting everything ready to attempt a pregnancy test. I wanted to see if attempt IUI one had worked. I was disgusted with myself. I felt like a failure as a woman. 

The only thing I can come up with is the hope that attempt number two will take. I’m petrified of that feeling for failure. I want to feel like a woman. I slammed my head on my desk and let out the groan we all do. You know the one that tells others we are done. I don’t know how much I can take of this. I know my struggle has just started. I need to do better than this. I AM A COP AFTER ALL. It’s my job to be STRONG. Yeah. Worked huh? No. Me neither.  I look up to those women with 6 years and nothing and are still trying. Im just going to save up my money and maybe adopt. I was adopted. I would be happy with that. 

Nope. Didn’t help either. Im just going to sit in my corner. Sulk. Knit…..ooooOOooo wine. There is a plus side to getting your period.

 

Good Luck. We need all that we can get. 

 

 

 

Infertility

It's been about a month since I last posted. There are a few reasons why I haven't posted. First being I was a little let down that our first cycle didn't end in a positive. The other being, I was trying to figure out why Infertility is such a taboo subject.

 First off I am going to say you never know some one's story, so next time you want to ask them when they are going to have kids, how about you stop and think!!

Why is Infertility such a taboo subject? That I still don't have the answer to and to be honest I don't think I will ever have the answer. Whatever the reason honestly it makes this road that much harder. Those that have infertility already feel less of themselves, to add the added pressure of outside sources is unbearable at times.

So I am going to give you a bit of data and number on infertility in the states. I am going to break it down to just a few states verses a nation as a whole.

All data from this post can be found at RESOLVE

RESOLVE gives each state a grade from A-F as well as numbers.

How were the grades for each state assigned?

States were graded by evaluating the following criteria for each state and the District of Columbia:

• Number of peer-led RESOLVE support groups in state for people experiencing fertility issues
• Number of physicians specializing in infertility in state, at SART-accredited fertility clinics
• Number of women in state who have experienced physical difficulty in getting pregnant or carrying a pregnancy to live birth
• Insurance mandate information in each state

Since I live in WA right now lets start there

WA Grade D

*2 Peer-led RESOLVE support groups in state for people experiencing fertility issues

*26 Fertility specialists (doctors) in state

*147,772 Women in state, regardless of marital status, who have experienced physical difficulty in getting pregnant or carrying a pregnancy to live birth

*Does state have a law requiring insurance coverage for fertility treatments, also known as an insurance mandate? NO

 

MD Grade A

*6 Peer-led RESOLVE support groups in state for people experiencing fertility issues

*35 Fertility specialists (doctors) in state

*130,081 Women in state, regardless of marital status, who have experienced physical difficulty in getting pregnant or carrying a pregnancy to live birth

*Does state have a law requiring insurance coverage for fertility treatments, also known as an insurance mandate? YES

Can I please go back to MD!!!!!!!

VA Grade B

*16 Peer-led RESOLVE support groups in state for people experiencing fertility issues

*35 Fertility specialists (doctors) in state

*180,144 Women in state, regardless of marital status, who have experienced physical difficulty in getting pregnant or carrying a pregnancy to live birth

*Does state have a law requiring insurance coverage for fertility treatments, also known as an insurance mandate? NO

 

Am I the only one that sees a problem with these numbers? And for many of us we are at the mercy of our Health Insurance Providers. Some are extremely lucky and have amazing coverage and others have to jump though a million and one hoops.

 

I can almost guarantee that everyone knows at least 2 people that are in their inner circle whether it be friends or family that are struggling with Infertility whether they speak about it or not.

 

I have chosen to speak about it, but also this is MY journey. I fell like not only is this my outlet to help myself but if it helps just one person know that they are not alone than I have done what I set out to do.

 

 

So next time you think its cute or funny to ask a married (or not married couple) when they are going to start having children, how about you ask yourself are they that 1 of those 100,000+ couples in your state that are struggling to concieve.

 

 

 

Road to Baby C part 5

So it's been close to a month since the last time I blogged. After the Bully incident I kind of got hard on myself internally. So I needed to take a little blogging break. A lot has happen since the last time I posted.

* The provera worked!!!! CD1 (cycle day) finally came!! So on CD3-7 I take Letrozole, which is a fertility medicine that forces you to create eggs. On Monday I went to get my folic study. The Letrozole worked!!!! I had 2 eggs and was set to release them within 24-48hrs!!!! We are now officially in our 2 week wait!!! So crossing our fingers and toes.

* The second thing that has happen is, my Etsy shop has really started to taken off. I am beyond excited about this journey.


So back onto the baby journey (yeah I know I get off topic a lot lol). I have really been having a hard time the last few weeks deal with my emotions. It literally seems like every day there is a new pregnancy announcement, birth announcement, or gender reveal. It really breaks my heart that it isn't our turn yet. I know that these people aren't trying to hurt my feelings but it just is. I don't want them to have to walk on egg shells during their happy time just to make sure that I am ok. The reality of the situation is the road of Trying To Conceive is a very difficult road in more ways than one. We have a lot of emotions going on from feeling like a failure to extreme jealousy. Yes we get jealous but a lot of us won't admit it to the people that we are jealous of because we don't want them to feel bad during their joyous time. I will admit there has been times were I have wanted to disable all social media or wanted to block those that are going through this joyous time. Then I remind myself that if will be ok and that one day (hopefully soon) that will be us getting to make huge announcements.
EXCUSE ME WHILE I TAKE A SHOWER IN BABY DUST!!


XOXOXO

Bullying is never the answer

My heart aches for this post, I was debating whether or not if I should post about it. Considering MY blog is about my life (the ups and the downs) I figured that it was warrented. That it will show that bullying is alive and well and that it can effect anyone.

 Last night I was a victim of bullying. It wasn't as bad as others have had it but bullying in any form is not right. It doesn't matter how much or how little, bullying is bullying and it effects people in many ways. Someone that I had considered a friend attacked one of my shirt designs because she didn't like the wording. I stood up for my product then deleted the comments and blocked the person on fb and ig. This person then went to Twitter and attacked me personally. Even going so low as to attacking the fact that I am having fertility problems and that she hopes that I never get pregnant. This is a person I considered a friend, She stooped so low to say such vile things. Other people on Twitter saw what she said and stood up for me. I am beyond grateful that they did this. I am at loss as to how someone can say such vile things and not have one hint of remorse. To say that you hope I never become pregnant is beyond heartbreaking. I'm not sure what's worse, the things she said or that she was a "friend".

How it started was over a freaking shirt, yes you heard that right a shirt!! She didn't like the wording on one of MY shirt designs. I posted the shirt on my instagram she then proceeded to say it was wrong, (in hindsight I probably should have deleted the comment) I defended the design, she went postal from that point on. I deleted the comments at that point, blocked her on instagram and Facebook. she then decided to take it to Twitter. Then she kept trying justify what she said by saying I spoke ill of her pregnancy, I NEVER once spoke ill, I knew her struggle. I have a whole bunch of stuff I could have pulled on her but never did, I am not going to stoop to her level. She kept calling me names like cunt and moron ect. I reported the tweets, then once people noticed what she said and started to back me she deleted most of the tweets to make it look like we were attacking her. Everyone has screenshots!!!

Yes I post my journey on my blog, I post so others know they are not alone not to use it as a weapon against me. I did nothing wrong!!! I was defending my product. The moment I read it I literally dropped my phone. The fact that someone can say that and not have any remorse baffles me. Like my heart literally hurts. I don't get it how someone can think it's ok to say things like that. To be so malicious with your words and have no remorse is beyond me.

Honestly I feel bad for her and for all the bullies out there. They obviously are struggling with something in their lives to act this way towards people.

What Is Cyber Bullying?

Cyber bullying is bullying through email, instant messaging (IMing), chat room exchanges, Web site posts, or digital messages or images send to a cellular phone. Cyber bullying, like traditional bullying, involves an imbalance of power, aggression, and a negative action that is often repeated. 

Cyber bullying in its simplest form takes place between two people through email, instant messaging, or phone texting. But to be fully satisfying to the genuine bully, there has to be an audience; thus, he elevates the bullying to social media, Twitter, or a comment forum. In this way, the humiliation is public and twice as shaming. And the bully can perform at his sadistic best (or worst) before like-minded aggressors.  

Trolls 

Adult cyber bullying often takes the form of “trolling.” The word comes from a reference to the method of catching fish by trolling a baited line in the water and waiting for a fish to bite. In the same sense, the Internet troll tries to “catch” an unsuspecting victim to demean and humiliate. Trolls are an annoying problem for those who use the Internet regularly. They are present on social media and in the comments sections of various websites, articles, blogs, and other online forums.

Stats

Nearly 75 percent of American adults have witnessed online harassment, with 40 percent seeing the brunt of that cyberbullying, according to a survey on the subject by the Pew Research Center.

When it came to observing others:

• 60 percent said they witnessed someone being called offensive names
• 53 percent saw efforts to purposefully embarrass someone
• 25 percent witnessed someone being harassed for a sustained period of time
• 24 percent saw someone being physically threatened
• 19 percent said they witnessed someone being sexually harassed
• 18 percent said they saw someone stalked

Of those who personally experienced cyberbullying:

• 27 percent were called offensive names
• 22 percent had someone try to purposefully embarrass them
• 8 percent were physically threatened
• 8 percent were stalked
• 7 percent were harassed for a sustained period
• 6 percent were sexually harassed 

Road to Baby C part 4

I've been struggling with this post for a few weeks now. I went to see my specialist and I have a "diagnosis" if you could call it that. Good news is I don't have PCOS however I have "unexplained infertility" so we are now having to go see a fertility doctor to help.

This is a double edged sward, on one hand I am happy that there is "nothing" wrong that I don't have a "condition". And on the other hand hearing "unexplained infertility" is heart wrenching. It makes me think what could I have done wrong?. My specialist explained the process of what is going to happen and that they are very optimistic that they will succeed in helping us make our dreams come true. I will end up being on at least 3 different types of medicine. One to induce a cycle, one to "regulate" me and one to induce ovulation. I am well aware that the first few months are trial and error for finding my perfect dosage just like any other medication. I can only hope that with the help of our fertility doctor that our long and hard journey is almost over with our dreams coming true.

Everyday I get so scared to go on social media. Everyday there is a new person popping up pregnant. Now don't get me wrong I am happy for those people. However I can't help but be jealous and angry at the same time. Don't they realize that they are being very insensitive, is what I always say however I have to tell myself that just because I have chosen to tell my story doesn't mean they haven't struggled. But there is also that small percentage that wasn't trying or for that matter never wanted kids and now all the sudden they are all over the place posting in your face. Like I said I am happy that all of these people are being blessed, but its very hurtful.

I would never wish this pain on my worst enemy. It is an inner struggle and war with yourself. Blaming yourself for god knows what. Feeling like you are being punished for something. It also takes a toll on your marriage. As much as I'd like to say that is doesn't, it truly does, it pits you against each other at times. I have come to hate the term "god doesn't give you more than you can handle", that saying is a crock of shit. He has done so much crappy shit to my family in the last year an a half more than anyone in this life time ever deserves.

I keep telling myself that my struggles will help someone know they are not alone and that they can get through the darkness. However why me, why do I have to go through all of this? All I have every wanted my whole life was to be a wife and a mother. I have always said that my sole purpose in life is to be a wife and a mother. Why can't I have that? Why does my life have to be hard? What did I ever do to deserve this turmoil?

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