Grief

So I have been doing research on the stages of grief. There are 5 stages, the don't come in any particular order and can even repeat themselves.

The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief

1. Denial and Isolation

The first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.

2. Anger

As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.

Remember, grieving is a personal process that has no time limit, nor one “right” way to do it.

The doctor who diagnosed the illness and was unable to cure the disease might become a convenient target. Health professionals deal with death and dying every day. That does not make them immune to the suffering of their patients or to those who grieve for them.
Do not hesitate to ask your doctor to give you extra time or to explain just once more the details of your loved one’s illness. Arrange a special appointment or ask that he telephone you at the end of his day. Ask for clear answers to your questions regarding medical diagnosis and treatment. Understand the options available to you. Take your time.

3. Bargaining

The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–

• If only we had sought medical attention sooner…
• If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…
• If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…

Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.

4. Depression

Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.

5. Acceptance

Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.
Loved ones that are terminally ill or aging appear to go through a final period of withdrawal. This is by no means a suggestion that they are aware of their own impending death or such, only that physical decline may be sufficient to produce a similar response. Their behavior implies that it is natural to reach a stage at which social interaction is limited. The dignity and grace shown by our dying loved ones may well be their last gift to us.
Coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. 
Looking at this from a scientific way seems to help, even though logically I know that others have gone through this as well as my own family right now, I somehow feel like I am the only person in the world right now. I still haven't figured out how to process my feelings or even if I am supposed to go through each individual feeling on its own. 

I have gone through and for that matter still have ANGER. Right now I am still in DENIAL. Personally I'm still not ready to fully break down. If I break down it makes it real, and I'm not ready to face that. Yes I know that the longer I wait the worst it will be. And I'm not waiting on propose I just know that emotionally and mentally I am not ready, and I'm not sure how to make myself ready or even if I can be ready.

Jealous & Angry

I keep telling everyone that I'm fine, and I'm NOT fine!!

I was watching the episode of OTH where Haley's mom comes to town to tell then she's dieing.... I instantly realize I am jealous and angry.

I am jealous of all the people that were able to have time to prepare themselves for the death of a loved one. Don't get me wrong I am not saying that it makes it any easier. But what I am saying is that they weren't shocked, or caught off gaurd. They knew it was gonna happen it was just a matter of when. We had NO warning. One minute she was fine and the next she's gone. I didn't have time prepare myself for the "inevitable". 

I am angry because of so many reasons. I can no longer call my mama when I have a stupid question. I am angry that we didn't know this was gonna happen. I am angry that now my mama won't ever be in the delivery room when I have babies. I am angry that all the future grandbabies will never get to experience their grandmothers love first hand. I am angry of all the emotions that I can't seem to get out. I am angry that I now have to get tested and that my chances of having this just skyrocketed. I am angry that I can't seem to grieve. 

Waiting game x2

So finally we got my mama's dd214. She will be receiving full military honors. Dealing with the VA is an adventure I NEVER want to embark on again. I understand it's a govt agency and they have a way of doing things but to keep my mama in limbo is not acceptable. They wouldn't want that don't to their mother so why do it to mine? Now we go from waiting on that paper to waiting until the actual date. 

We originally wanted to burry her at Arlington National Cemetery, yeah that's a 3+ month wait. I couldn't even begin to imagine the emotions families are going through having to wait that long. So we decided to do Cheltenham Cemetery, it's still one for Vets just scaled down. 

Now we have to start to sift through things so start down sizing. It's all so overwhelming. How are you supposed to go through you mothers stuff and decide who gets what, what gets donated, what do we sell, and what gets trashed? It's imperative now more than ever that this gets done, since my husband and I found out we got orders and will be PCSing in 4 months. 

Not only did my mom pass away now my families will be losing 2 more people (I use the term "losing" lightly). Yes it's not the same, there's Skype, Facebook, and the phone but still. I can only hope that my daddy moves closer to my brother, yes they live in the same state but he needs to be as close to him as he can.  

The timing of these orders could not have come at a worst time. Not only is there all this stuff that has to be done, now on too of that I have to plan a move. There are so many questions running through my head. I still have yet to fully grieve and now I feel like I won't be able to until after the move and we are settled into our new home. I know I'm gonna have to get help but now it's like do I even bother doing that here or just wait until we get there? 

We are moving all the way to the other side of the states!!! I am no longer a car ride away!!! Fairchild AFB, Washington. 

Why???

So where do I start?.... I guess the best is to start the day it happened. 

Tuesday March 4, 2013

Started out at as normal day. I had been to work about 30min or so. My daddy called me, mind you he never calls me we usually text. Anyways since I was at work I didn't answer. So I texted my mom asking why daddy was calling me, no answer. So I texted daddy asking him what he needed and he told me to call him back. So I did, and that's when my world started to crumble beneath me. He told me my mom had stopped breathing and I needed to get to the hospital. Mind you he left a voice mail ( I have yet to hear it, I still haven't listened to it). So my first reaction is to call my husband and tell him to get to the hospital I'll meet him there. I had to scramble to get a hold of the guy I nanny for to get a sitter fast. I have never packed a diaper bag so fast in my life.

I finally left and called my brother he told me in more detail of what happened. At this time all we knew what my mother went to use the bathroom, fell, hit her head on the counter and the way she landed cut off her airway. My brother told me it didn't look good. In that moment I knew I would never again tell my mom I love her, never again be able to call her with random stupid questions, never again be able to laugh with her, ect. I kept trying to call daddy to get updates, he wasn't answering. Finally he called me as I was parking and he told me "she didn't make it" I barely made it into the parking spot. I took off running. Just hugged my daddy crying I couldn't do anything else. He took me inside and the moment my brother saw me we both lost it, I just kept screaming and crying for my "mama". My mama is the one who knows how to calm me down!! Finally I was able to at least stop crying for a moment. They asked me if I wanted to see her, all I asked my brother was did it look like her and he didn't know how to answer, I knew in that moment I wasn't ready. So they took me to the room the hospital set up for us (since my daddy, brother, and sister-in-law are first responders the hospital knows them) I was fine in there for a while but the more people come in and say they are sorry and will be praying and if there's anything they can do, it just becomes over whelming. At one point I left and called a friend, I broke down in the hallway, there was hospital staff touching me and trying to move me I totally yelled at one to get the fuck off of me, so one of the firefighters (Adam) blocked me so they couldn't get to me. At one point I remember one of them asking me if they could do anything and I snapped "yeah bring my mama back". Apparently they didn't want me in the hallway upsetting other patients, well excuse me!!!

I told my brother I was ready to see her, him and daddy took me. Yeah, I totally wasn't ready to see what I saw (I'm still not ready). 

So now it's time to start contacting the rest of the family, yeah how do you do that? How am I supposed to tell them so they can even understand when I can barely understand?

We had to wait on some forensic person to come, we got asked a lot of questions. Then he determined they were going to do an autopsy, that's when I lost it again. SHE DOESNT DESERVE THAT!!! So they let us say "good bye". I'm not gonna get into the details of what she looked like.

My brother and sister-in-law handed me my mama's favorite blanket, my daddy put it on her when they put her in the ambulance. The smell was horrible, so of course I ended up washing it.

Anyways we went to the house where my grandparents were waiting for us. Non of us can bring ourselfs to go to that bathroom. Well what do you do when someone dies?, you wanna say grieve right? Wrong!! You have stuff that has to be done. So I called a funeral home to set things in motion. By this time I have come to the conclusion that I HAVE to be the strong one for my daddy and brother. 

Wednsday March 5, 2013

Having to plan your mothers funeral is something I would never wish on anyone!!! We had to pick everything!!!! And I do mean everything!!! The hardest part of everything is getting my mama's dd214 (we are still waiting on that)

I'm going to skip ahead to present day cuz the other days are spent with family and just planning.

Today is Monday March 10, 2013

We found out the cause today, aneurisms! Which eases our minds a bit because we know she didn't suffer and it was instant, there was nothing anyone could have done.

So on to how I'm feeling. Some might say I'm heartless, some might say in not phased, and so forth. All of those are further from the truth. I HAVE TO BE STONG. I have simple shut myself down and blocked my feelings out. People deal with death in their own ways, and I guess this is my way. I totally know that I'm going to have to be seen by someone when the "dust" settles. That doesn't make me weak, in fact that actually makes me strong to actually admit that I need help. 

That's all for now, mentally I can't write anymore right now.

Glossy Glam by Rica

So since hubby is watching World War Z I thought it would be perfect time to do a review.

I recently purchased Glossy Glam by Rica (justricarda's shop on #etsy http://etsy.me/1bNqoSN ). 

I also purchased Blood of Lilith, from her True Blood collection (I will be doing a review of that on a later date.

Anyways back to the task at hand. So I am a cashier at a grocery store and usually about the second day my polish will start to chip, so for me it is a really big deal to have a top coat that will last long. I did my nails Tuesday and it is now Friday and there is no sign of chipping, shrinkage, or fading in the color. To me this is fantastic!!!! I absolutely love my Glossy Glam and if Blood of Lilith is half as good I will be in heaven.

So for me I give Glossy Glam 5 stars 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

Have a Scentastic Day

Aly xoxo

Don't mind hubby's photo bomb but this was Tuesday.

This is today's pic, notice there is not chipping, shrinking, or fading. 

Time for a change

I decided it was time for a change...... So I chopped off all of my hair. I was so scared/excited. But I love it. My head feels so much lighter now

It was so crazy seeing all of my hair on the ground. Part of my wanted to cry but at that point there was no turning back. 

Long time no post

It's been awhile since I've posted. A lot has happen in that time. So where do I begin..... Well I got married May 2. I am now the mommy to 3 furbabies; 2 dogs and a kitten. My husband is Air Force so I transferred from the base I was working at to the one we are stationed at. I started school for; Medical Assistant, Medical Managment, and Medical Billing & Coding. I am an Independent Scentsy Consultant ( alyssabauer.scentsy.us ) is my site. 

So I have decided that I am going to revamp my blog. Yes I am still going to be doing nail related stuff, but I am also going to be doing reviews of other things, promote my Scentsy business, and just my life in general. 

Have A Scentastic Day 

Aly